Could you please tell me your favourite jokes?!

Could you please tell me your favourite jokes?

Boy: Dad, can I have a glass of water?
Dad: That´ll be your tenth glass.
Boy: I know, my room´s on fire.

She: You remind me of the sea.
He: Wild, romantic and restless?
She: No, you make me sick.

Eve, do you know a girl called Mary Cook?
- Yes, mum. She sleeps next to me in geography class.

Mum: Hello Jack. Did you learn anything new in school today?
Jack: Yeah, how to get out of class by putting red ink up on my nose.

Doctor, I keep thinking, there are two of me.
- Could you repeat that, please, and this time please don´t both speak at once.

What´s red and shiny and goes up and down?
A cherry in a lift...

How long will the next bus be?
About 20 feet.

Old lady: Must I stick this stamp on myself?
Post office clark: No, stick it on the envelop.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking, I´m a dog.
Sit down, please.
No, no, I´m not allowed on the furniture...

Did you miss me while I was gone?
Were you gone?

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. Said one: We´ll have to play better than we are at the moment, we´re playing in the cup next week.

Any luck with your advertisement for a husband?
- Yes, I´ve had sixteen replies. And they all say the same thing.
-What´s that?
-You can have mine.

A grandfather took his young grandson to the opera for the first time as a special treat. The conductor began to wave his baton and the soprano started to sing her famous aria.
The boy was fascinated by everything he saw and heard, but eventually he turned to his grandfather and asked:
Why is he hitting her with his stick?
He is not hitting her, answered the grandfather with a smile.
WEll, if he´s not hitting her, why is she screaming??