~Help~ How does this sound? ~Help~?!
Question: ~Help~ How does this sound!? ~Help~!?
“Mother, please don’t die,” Chiyo cried, “I need you!” Tears were streaming down her face!. “Chiyo,” her mother gasped, “I love you!.” Her eyes slowly closed and her heart stopped!. “No!” Chiyo gasped for breath; how could her mother be dead!?
“Girl, do you want your mother!?” Chiyo looked up, and saw a man in a black cloak!.
“Who are you!?” She asked!.
“I am the man who can bring your mother back and make you happy forever!.” His voice was blood chilling!.
“You can bring her back!?” She rubbed her eyes!.
“Yes,” the man took her face in her hands, “and all you have to do is help me!.”
“With what!?” Chiyo asked confused!.
“Everything!.”
“You will bring her back, right!?” A small smile appeared on her face!.
“As you wish!.” The man snapped his fingers and everything went black!.
I need you to give me some tips like how I can fix it!. I don't want you telling me that it is good!. I am doing this for a group were they continue the story!. So your help is appreciated!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
“Girl, do you want your mother!?” Chiyo looked up, and saw a man in a black cloak!.
“Who are you!?” She asked!.
“I am the man who can bring your mother back and make you happy forever!.” His voice was blood chilling!.
“You can bring her back!?” She rubbed her eyes!.
“Yes,” the man took her face in her hands, “and all you have to do is help me!.”
“With what!?” Chiyo asked confused!.
“Everything!.”
“You will bring her back, right!?” A small smile appeared on her face!.
“As you wish!.” The man snapped his fingers and everything went black!.
I need you to give me some tips like how I can fix it!. I don't want you telling me that it is good!. I am doing this for a group were they continue the story!. So your help is appreciated!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
Well, I know in the first paragraph, you are supposed to indent whenever there is a new speaker, and to make your story better, i really think you should be more desriptive about the man in the black coat!. For instance, you can try!.!.!.
"Young girl, do you want your mother back!?"
As Chiyo looked up, she saw a distorted image!.
"Who are you!?" She asked!?"
"I am the man who can bring your mother and make you happy forever!."
Chiyo looked up a second time and saw the image more clearly now!. It was a mysterious image of a man in a black coat!. His voice was blood chilling and somehow, he seemed very familar!.
Does that help any!?!?!? :)Www@Enter-QA@Com
"Young girl, do you want your mother back!?"
As Chiyo looked up, she saw a distorted image!.
"Who are you!?" She asked!?"
"I am the man who can bring your mother and make you happy forever!."
Chiyo looked up a second time and saw the image more clearly now!. It was a mysterious image of a man in a black coat!. His voice was blood chilling and somehow, he seemed very familar!.
Does that help any!?!?!? :)Www@Enter-QA@Com