Please, Read This Chapter from my urban,romance,teenage fiction story and tell m!
Question: Please, Read This Chapter from my urban,romance,teenage fiction story and tell me what u think!? !?
Before You Read: This is chapter 14 from the story!. Each chapter goes in 1st person with 3 diff!. characters: Rashad aka Roo, Emanuel aka Dee-Dee,and Carinn(Corinne) aka JoJo!. This scene is set after Carinn ran away from her home with her friends Dee-Dee and Roo and decided to return home!. Sade is her sister who doesn't really like her and she doesn't think her rich and powerful parents, Tia and Jimmy, love her!. Anyways heres chapter 14:
I couldn’t take anymore!. I just……!.!. It was too much!. Dee-Dee and Roo both seem like two apples I should’ve never bobbed for!. There’s always a few bruised apples in the bunch!. And I was one right along with them!.
I just don’t understand how I thought I loved Rashad!. He was just as annoying and sly as Emanuel!. Maybe even worse! Worse!? I can’t believe I just said that!. On second thought, I do believe I just said that!. And I mean that!.
My life had definitely flipped!. I had just went through what I saw on T!.V!. What I heard on the news!. And I hadn’t realized it!. I was too busy falling over good looks instead of good wits!. And I regret every bit of it!.
I had been felt on by grown men, just because I thought I was in love with an ignorant, despicable, immature, na?ve, hoodlum!. Ugh! What was I thinking!?
I stood at the door of my three-story home!. I wasn’t ready to knock just yet, but I knew it was what was best for me!. I knocked and knocked, but no one answered!. Although, I did hear someone weeping!. I twisted the door to find it open!. When I walked in, I saw Sade right in the doorway crying!.
“Sade!?” I said sympathetically, but instantly hardened up, “Why did you leave me in that place with those men!?”
“Mama! Mama! I want my mama! Where is my mama!?” She screamed and cried!.
I frowned at her compassionately, “Sade, I don’t know!.”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh! Give her back, Carinn! I don’t want to go with him just yet, I’m not ready to go!” She pulled me to the ground with her!.
“Sade, what are you talking about!?” She just continued pulling my shirt, “Please tell me, Sade!”
“I promise I’m going to do better!. Don’t let me go! Hold on! Don’t let me go!” She told me!.
“I’m not going to let you go, Sade, just hold on!.” Then I looked down to see blood everywhere!. It wasn’t just under us, it was coming from a big slash on her neck, as well!. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it!
“Ca--” Sade started to call my name, but didn’t finish!. Her skin started turning purple and her eyes were blood red!. She was coughing up blood everywhere!. Why was I just sitting there! It was all happening too fast!. It didn’t cross my mind that I should call 911!. I just……!.it just………!. I didn’t understand what was happening!. Was Sade dying!? Was Sade having a miscarriage!? Was Sade doing both!? Was Sade already dead!? Did Sade already have a miscarriage!? Was Sade even real sitting here in my arms!. Or was Sade just my imagination and I was going crazy!.
In a way, I hoped it was the last one the most!.
“Oh my gosh, MY BABY!” My mother walked in and hugged me!.
I tried my best to say what was needed to be said, but I just couldn’t stop crying!. Something was happening to my big sister and I wanted to save her!. But all my mother seemed to see was me!. She didn’t even notice Sade!.
“Mama! Sade!” I cried, pointing at Sade who was sprawled out on the ground choking off her own tears and blood!.
“Oh my God! Carinn, call 911!.” I rushed into our kitchen and I was in such a hurry I dialled 9*0!. I cursed myself and dialled 911!.
“911!.” The dispatcher sighed!.
“Um, there’s a young girl on the floor crying and screaming, with blood coming from places we can’t even locate!” I screamed into the phone!.
“What’s the address!?” She asked with a monotone!.
“121 Leila Drive!” I cried, “Please hurry, I think my sister is dying!”
“Okay, Ma’am, the police are on they’re way!” I whispered thank you and hung up the phone!.
I walked into the living room!. My father had arrived and most likely was the one who carried Sade to the sofa!. I noticed a big, baby blue, blanket that had the words “Sweetly Singing Sade” engraved in it!. (Sweetly Singing is what Sade’s name meant!.) I knew what that meant, but I didn’t want to believe it!.
I couldn’t help but believe it when I saw my mother and father cuddled up, both crying softly, but a lot!.
“Why’d you kill your sister, Carinn!?” My father asked me quietly, “We know she treated you badly, but did you have to take her away!?”
“Daddy!? Why would I kill my own sister!?” I questioned, appalled!.
“Carinn, you were the only person here!? And you didn’t even try to call 911!” He stood up and walked over to me!.
“Daddy, you don’t understand!” I cried, “I didn’t want to let her die! Everything was moving too fast for my own eyes to even catch a glimpse! I’m sorry, I didn’t want her to suffer!” I broke down on the floor crying as the paramedics rushed into our home!.
My mother came over to me as my dad helped the paramedics place Sade’s now lifeless body on the stretchWww@Enter-QA@Com
I couldn’t take anymore!. I just……!.!. It was too much!. Dee-Dee and Roo both seem like two apples I should’ve never bobbed for!. There’s always a few bruised apples in the bunch!. And I was one right along with them!.
I just don’t understand how I thought I loved Rashad!. He was just as annoying and sly as Emanuel!. Maybe even worse! Worse!? I can’t believe I just said that!. On second thought, I do believe I just said that!. And I mean that!.
My life had definitely flipped!. I had just went through what I saw on T!.V!. What I heard on the news!. And I hadn’t realized it!. I was too busy falling over good looks instead of good wits!. And I regret every bit of it!.
I had been felt on by grown men, just because I thought I was in love with an ignorant, despicable, immature, na?ve, hoodlum!. Ugh! What was I thinking!?
I stood at the door of my three-story home!. I wasn’t ready to knock just yet, but I knew it was what was best for me!. I knocked and knocked, but no one answered!. Although, I did hear someone weeping!. I twisted the door to find it open!. When I walked in, I saw Sade right in the doorway crying!.
“Sade!?” I said sympathetically, but instantly hardened up, “Why did you leave me in that place with those men!?”
“Mama! Mama! I want my mama! Where is my mama!?” She screamed and cried!.
I frowned at her compassionately, “Sade, I don’t know!.”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh! Give her back, Carinn! I don’t want to go with him just yet, I’m not ready to go!” She pulled me to the ground with her!.
“Sade, what are you talking about!?” She just continued pulling my shirt, “Please tell me, Sade!”
“I promise I’m going to do better!. Don’t let me go! Hold on! Don’t let me go!” She told me!.
“I’m not going to let you go, Sade, just hold on!.” Then I looked down to see blood everywhere!. It wasn’t just under us, it was coming from a big slash on her neck, as well!. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it!
“Ca--” Sade started to call my name, but didn’t finish!. Her skin started turning purple and her eyes were blood red!. She was coughing up blood everywhere!. Why was I just sitting there! It was all happening too fast!. It didn’t cross my mind that I should call 911!. I just……!.it just………!. I didn’t understand what was happening!. Was Sade dying!? Was Sade having a miscarriage!? Was Sade doing both!? Was Sade already dead!? Did Sade already have a miscarriage!? Was Sade even real sitting here in my arms!. Or was Sade just my imagination and I was going crazy!.
In a way, I hoped it was the last one the most!.
“Oh my gosh, MY BABY!” My mother walked in and hugged me!.
I tried my best to say what was needed to be said, but I just couldn’t stop crying!. Something was happening to my big sister and I wanted to save her!. But all my mother seemed to see was me!. She didn’t even notice Sade!.
“Mama! Sade!” I cried, pointing at Sade who was sprawled out on the ground choking off her own tears and blood!.
“Oh my God! Carinn, call 911!.” I rushed into our kitchen and I was in such a hurry I dialled 9*0!. I cursed myself and dialled 911!.
“911!.” The dispatcher sighed!.
“Um, there’s a young girl on the floor crying and screaming, with blood coming from places we can’t even locate!” I screamed into the phone!.
“What’s the address!?” She asked with a monotone!.
“121 Leila Drive!” I cried, “Please hurry, I think my sister is dying!”
“Okay, Ma’am, the police are on they’re way!” I whispered thank you and hung up the phone!.
I walked into the living room!. My father had arrived and most likely was the one who carried Sade to the sofa!. I noticed a big, baby blue, blanket that had the words “Sweetly Singing Sade” engraved in it!. (Sweetly Singing is what Sade’s name meant!.) I knew what that meant, but I didn’t want to believe it!.
I couldn’t help but believe it when I saw my mother and father cuddled up, both crying softly, but a lot!.
“Why’d you kill your sister, Carinn!?” My father asked me quietly, “We know she treated you badly, but did you have to take her away!?”
“Daddy!? Why would I kill my own sister!?” I questioned, appalled!.
“Carinn, you were the only person here!? And you didn’t even try to call 911!” He stood up and walked over to me!.
“Daddy, you don’t understand!” I cried, “I didn’t want to let her die! Everything was moving too fast for my own eyes to even catch a glimpse! I’m sorry, I didn’t want her to suffer!” I broke down on the floor crying as the paramedics rushed into our home!.
My mother came over to me as my dad helped the paramedics place Sade’s now lifeless body on the stretchWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
It's pretty intense!.!.!.I thought it was pretty good, but it would have made better sense if I had read the previous 13 chapters!. I do have some suggestions: In the very beginning, your narrative is in the present tense and then suddenly switches to past tense, and it doesn't flow consistently!. At the part where Carinn is wondering what is wrong with Sade, she says Sade like a million times!.!.I would throw in some pronouns!. I would use the word embroidered rather than engraved when describing the blanket!. The last problem I had was that when Carinn finally realizes her mother loves her, it is right after her mother says that she had wished that her other daughter would be killed in a drive-by shooting!. In my opinion anyone who says that about one child is not really capable of truly loving either of them!. Other than those details, I think it has the potential to be a really good story!. Hope I helped!Www@Enter-QA@Com