Fun horoscopes?!
Question:
Fun horoscopes?
Answers:
Here is the weekly 'scope from The Onion!
Your Birthday Today
There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and when an enormous man catches a ball.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird sh** you've pulled.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big f****** problems you got, a******.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
Libra September 23 - October 23
An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.