My horoscope?!

My horoscope?

Why isn't my horoscope the same in all of our local newspapers?

2 months ago
I get The Onion and their horoscopes are more realistic than the horoscopes published by the mystics.

Seem to me you should look at the weekly 'scopes from The Onion. Here are a few:

Your Birthday Today
Neighbors will continue to complain about your horse-training technique until your thoroughbreds stop making such a racket when they run full-tilt into the Invisible Fence.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The presence of a "push" sign on a door that obviously must be pulled in order to open will give you overwhelming insight into the futile and picaresque nature of the human experience.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You consider yourself an enlightened and compassionate citizen of the world, but you still bust out laughing every time that South Asian on the TV yells "No bingo!"

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Recent changes to the Cosmic Transportation Authority Code mean the mystic Path to Happiness will now run through the pain center of your brain. Luckily, almost no one ever travels it.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll again fail to see the world through the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing through them doesn't really work like that.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Consumer Reports loved your generous size, high capacity, and ease of operation, but was forced to rate you lower for your high fuel consumption and low resistance to fire and acid.