Good jokes...?!

Good jokes...?

on the first day of school when you first see people! Good funny jokes that go with the occasion. [first day of school.] like. for example i can say "race ya up to the fourth floor". when theres only 3 storys in my schooool. :D

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
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What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
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What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Your s?
Nacho Cheese.
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What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack!, "Dang!"
A Bad Skydiver Goes "Dang!" Whack!
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from
0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the
window and sure enough there was a box gift
wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday
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There was a Blonde who was tired of all the Blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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a man just bought a new car to celebrate and was testing it out by going a hundred miles an hour down a town road, the road was empty but a police car was turning a corner and saw him, the police followed and put his lights on, the man saw this and sped up, eventually the man gave up and pulled over. the police officer got out and said "im nearly off duty, you give me a good enough reason for your actions and I will forgot about it." the man replies "well I just found out my wife has ran off with a police man. I thought you were giving her back"
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
> his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
> said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
> went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can
> sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs
> make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy wi th my TV
> as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was
> terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus.
> Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
> the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
> open the

> door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello
> son, is your Grandma home?"
> The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> boyfriend."
>
> The minister fainted.
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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.??
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes.'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in background
Through the ear piece on the phone.

The boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled

giggle.....

'ME.'
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When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
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Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
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A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
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Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and?
scares the crap out of them. They drop their guns and run.

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"
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Manoj’s father was a tailor. Rajesh’s father was a dentist. One day they met each other.
Rajesh: Hmph! Your shirt is torn! Can’t your father mend it?
Manoj: So what?How’s it that even though your dad is a dentist, your 7month-old sister has no teeth?
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Teacher: Jack, were any great men born in your town?
Jack: No, ma’m, in my town only babies were born.
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Mike: What do you suggest I learn? The harmonium or the flute?
Lize:The flute.Then at least you won’t be able to sing.
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Dann: what do you think of my last book?
Sann: I am glad to hear that it is your last book.
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Teacher: Rose, why do hens sit on eggs?
Rose: they don’t have chairs
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two guys walk into a bar,
one says "ouch!"

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when does a granny say the F word?
......


when another granny yells "Bingo!!!!"
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