38 things that happen in movies and just movies?!

38 things that happen in movies and just movies?

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don`t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it`s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it`s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

2 weeks ago
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2 weeks ago
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard...

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they`re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

2 weeks ago
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick`s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don`t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

2 weeks ago
28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it`s called Sylvester Stallone`s Law aka Rambo`s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

2 weeks ago
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

2 weeks ago
10 Best Answering Machine Messages

10. My wife and I can `t come to the phone right now, but if you `ll leave
your name and number, we `ll get back to you as soon as we `re finished.



9
.. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub,and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don `t need their picture taken. If you `re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.



8
.. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number, and your reason for calling.... and I `ll think about returning your call.

7
.. Hi! John `s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I `ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

2 weeks ago
6
.. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn `t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don `t worry, I have LOTS of money.
5
.. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we `re not here. So, leave a message.
4
.. Hello! If you leave a message, I `ll call you soon. If you leave a"sexy"
message, I `ll call sooner.
3
.. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2
.. Hi. I `m probably home, I `m just avoiding someone I don `t like. Leave me a message, and if I don `t call back, it `s you.


And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1
.. Hello, you `ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can `t pick up the phone right now, because we `re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left

2 weeks ago
to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we `re done brushing our teeth, we `ll call you back.

2 weeks ago
A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd`s attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn`t my wife !"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can`t remember who she was !"

As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don`t copy if you can`t paste.

2 weeks ago
Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT; woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.


Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION; woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.


Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD; woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.


Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE; woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.


Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY; woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.


Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While women STUCK to shopping.............. !!!!!!!!!

2 weeks ago
WOMEN:

- Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are
smart,knowing that knowledge is power. But they
still know how to use their softer side to,
make a point.

- Women want to be the best for their family,
their friends, and themselves.

- Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have
sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no
strength left.

- A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

- Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show,
how much they care about you.

- The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.

- They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for
you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

2 weeks ago
MEN:

- Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes,
killing spiders.

2 weeks ago
A Collegian was deeply in love with a foreign girl,
whom he wanted to marry, but he did not have the
courage to talk to her in person. so he decided to
go home and with the aid of a dictionary, wrote a
letter of proposal to her.

this is what he wrote ......

my darling

most worthy of your estimation, after a long
consideration and much meditation, i have a strong
inclination to become your relation.

as to my educational qualification, it is no
exaggeration or fabrication, that i have passed my
matriculation, no doubt without any hesitation and
very little concentrated preparation. what you say
to the solemnization of our marriage celebration
according to the population of the present generation.

on your approbation of this application,
i shall make preparation to improve my situation,
and if such obligation is worthy of consideration
and commiseration, it will be an augmentation of the
joy and exultation of our joint dissimulation.

2 weeks ago
thanking you in anticipation and with devotion.

i remain,a victim of your fascination


The Girl replies

dear mr. victim of my fascination,

congaratulations for your lengthy narration,
of course, full of affection, aimed at an affliction
for a combination, which on examination, i find it a
fine presentation of your co-operation, but your
inclination to become my relation should embrace
more qualification so that you may reach high position.

you have passed the matriculation examination with
little concentration and preparartion. what about my
graduation after much concentration and botheration?

so improve your situation in education and make an
application by acquisition of post graduation,
the minimum qualification for the consideration of
our marriage celebration. after your education,
attend the convocation and before taking your photo
for circulation, undergo beautification.

2 weeks ago
further, strict observation of the following
conditions is the regulation for determination of
our relation:

1. consultation with my parents before approaching
for any connection.

2. communication of your confirmation that you are
not a victim of "any other" fascination, and

3. procreation must not be your recreation.

in anticipation of solid action of continuation of
proper conversation,

unaffected by your affection.

2 weeks ago
Man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some
cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to
find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use
the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one
thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.

After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM
and says, "Oh no, its so late,
my wife`s going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some
talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands
and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she
is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this.

I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick
there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to
another and I ended up in bed with her."

2 weeks ago
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

LET THE STARS GET COMING GUYS.

2 weeks ago
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime,
and then spends most evenings bowling, playing
basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary,
thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so,
for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he`s been to this
club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he`d
like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you
drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she`s in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her
arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says,
"Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out
of the club.

2 weeks ago
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.
Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her.
Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

LET THE STARS GET COMING GUYS.

2 weeks ago
Here`s an essay on "The Cow" which was actually written a some student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination". Calcutta`s Telegraph got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations and here it is...

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadruped, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermen and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of latitudinous species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.

2 weeks ago
Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his Coho body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

The candidate passed the exam

STAR IT IF YOU LIKE IT.

2 weeks ago
"Hi honey,This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.She `s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."After a brief pause,
Daddy says,"But honey, you haven `t got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he `s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy `s car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."


"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn `t moving at
all!" "Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool.

2 weeks ago
But I guess he didn `t know that you took out the water last week to
clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he `s dead."

***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"


LET THE STARS FREE GUYS.

2 weeks ago
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband she stayed at her girlfriend`s over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend`s and none of them know anything about it.
---------------------------
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, he stayed at his friend`s over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends:

8 of them say yes he did,

and the other 2 claim he is still there.

STAR IT IF YOU LIKE IT.

How about when the girl is running away from the stalker/killer, she always trips on nothing and falls?
all were great thanks.