Any funny jokes out there...................?!


Question:

Any funny jokes out there...................?

Additional Details

2 weeks ago
Here's one.......
A man enters the Men's room to urinate. While at the urinals he notice's a very short man using the next urinal. What he thought was very unusual was that the short man dressed in green, approx. 2 and a half feet tall was hung bigger than a horse. The man says I'm not being funny or anything but, for such a short guy you are very endowed. The short man said, darn, you caught me, with an Irish accent. He goes on saying that he is indeed a Leprechaun and instead of giving up his pot of gold would the man be interested in being endowed like him. The man said sure, in hopes of satisfying future girlfriends. The Leprechaun says, in order for this to work he must have sex with the man. The man says, he wasn't into that but, thought if this will super size him who would know. He agrees and the sodomy was done to him. Afterwards, the man hurting, didn't see any size increase and asked when to expect it. The Leprechaun asked, Sir how old are you? The man said, 34 years old.

2 weeks ago
You're 34 years old and still believe in Leprechauns?


Answers:

A man walks into a bar orders 3 pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all 3, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after i draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.The man replies, 'Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in America. The other is in Australia. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and orders 2 pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but i wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The man looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!'


There was once a czar in Russia called Rodolf the Red. He was standing in his winter palace with his gorgeous young obstinate wife when he looked out the window and saw something falling from the sky.
'Look, my darling. It's the first rain of the season.'
The czarina looked out of the window and said, 'I do not think so. It looks to me like it is snowing.'
Rudolf called for his wife's favourite courtier and a gilded bucket, and ordered the woman to stand outside until the bucket is full of whatever it was falling from the sky. An hour later, she returned with a bucketfull of rainwater.
'You see my darling?' czar Rudolf said to his wife. 'I knew it was raining. Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!'


Two dwarfs are out on the town and decided to visit a bordello. They are offered a pick of the ladies working that evening, and are escorted by their respective choices to adjacent rooms, where they intended to spend the rest of the night.
Unfortunately, the first dwarf is unable to produce an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his mate shouting out cries of 'here i come again! one, two, three...ugh!' all night long.
in the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'how did it go?' the dwarf mutters, 'it was so embarrassing. i simply couldn't get an erection.' the second dwarf shakes his head.
'you think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!'


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to comfort her ninety-five year old Grandmother. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'he had a heart attack while we were making love on sunday morning.'
'aren't two people, nearly a hundred years old, having sex, just asking for trouble?'
'Oh no, my dear,' granny replied. 'many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right
rhythm: nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the 'ding' and out on the 'dong'.' She paused, wiping away a tear and then continued:
'And if that damned Ice Cream Man hadn't driven up our street, your grandfather would still be alive.'


Abraham is an old Jewish yarn merchant who has the misfortune of living next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.One day, the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, 'Hey Jew! I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and i want it delivered tomorrow.'
Abe says, 'Okay.'
The next morning at 7am, the anti-Semite is awaken by a mighty din of loud angines. He runs outside to see trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon, his yard is a sea of orange yarn, a metre deep. Abe then presents the anti-Semite with a bill for $35,000.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abraham.
'What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?'
Straight-faced, Abe explains, 'I'm very careful when I deal with people like you.That's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few metres, so I gave you a two percent discount; but the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!'


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