I need some jokes?!


Question:

I need some jokes?

Even dirty...


Answers:

One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?
The second guy says: No, but I’ve woken up with plenty

A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession.
Prostitute: I’m a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer doesn’t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.

A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: “205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210….”

When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it’s like buying a book for someone else to read.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

A French and a Brit gynecologist were chatting.

French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.
Brit: That’s a lie, she wouldn’t be able to walk if it was.
French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.

Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.

A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written ‘Press’, so I just pressed…
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother:

"Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father:

"Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister:

"Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."


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