Joke - what dyu think? sorry its a bit long?!


Question:

Joke - what dyu think? sorry its a bit long?

Subject: Kiss me Hardy

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's
the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do
his or her duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us
splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part
of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on
with it – full speed ahead”
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit
in this stretch of water”
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea
battle
in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from
the crow's nest please”
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.
no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet
regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can
be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,
Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the
fo'c'sle
Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so
absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."
Nelson: "Differently-abled?! I've only one arm and one eye
and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the
rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is
under-represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray
beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and
safety
won't et the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they
don't
want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the
adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon
and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,
Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of
being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a
couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the
Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we
shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit
with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the
devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear
you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider killing every man an enemy who
speaks ill
of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
multicultural age
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save
your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened
to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's
a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................. kiss me,
Hardy."

Additional Details

3 weeks ago
i did say it was long didnt i??


Answers:

Lol i really liked this! Very funny and true! Gotta hand you credit for typing it all out!


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