Jokes!! Rate a star if u like!?!

Jokes!! Rate a star if u like!?

Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."
So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

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3 weeks ago
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

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3 weeks ago
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening,

3 weeks ago
we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"

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A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

"Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

3 weeks ago
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."

"He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

3 weeks ago
. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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re: Joke #1
"The jury has returned a verdict of guilty in two counts of second degree murder," said the Superior Court Judge,
"Your sentencing guidelines require you serve not less
than fifteen years at the State Prison before the yearly
parole hearings begin. Rather than let you get away from
it all I'm including one suitcase of soiled maid attire to wear
when visited weekly by an angry Mother-in-Law, two snotty brats, and one barking dog."
re: Joke #2
"Oh Lord," prayed the would-be stud, "Grant to this woman
sharpness of vision & fairness of judgement that she may
watch from side to side with same clarity with which You can
be watching from above."
re: Joke #3
Four days later the French hired hand found himself atop his bunk again nude, & Sheep Rancher sat at bedside running a
cold wet cloth over the prone body. "We found you near dead
from heat exhaustion so I'm cooling you down." The victim
was quiet for awhile and then asked his savior to pray for him.
The Rancher nodded and said, 'Will you pray with me?" With
one hand gripping loose bed box slat the naked man replied,
"Yes sir, I'm praying but you gotta keep your head down."
re: Joke #4
She felt used and her expression clearly said same so the
Ferry Skipper said, "Cheer up, madam, you'll go home and this ride is on me." There was a tear in an inconsolable eye as she whispered, "Et tu, Brutus?"
re: Joke #5
An eternity later both men were shoveling coal one after another into a vast satanic furnace when two imps pranced
past bearing a nude woman shrieking for help. When the
only sound was roaring flames again the former lover said,
"Well, that last cortege sure didn't interfer with your throw concentration." There was a dry laugh. "I'd know that last
scream without looking since I was married to it for twenty years," said the other.