If I Give You Some Jokes Will You Give Me Some Jokes?!


Question:

If I Give You Some Jokes Will You Give Me Some Jokes?


Screwed

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself,

"Oh God, I'm screwed."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out,

"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and
bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body,
breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."






Death

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a
vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his
face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and
her pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother,
your best friend and your father."

"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."






Ahead

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."




English Royalty
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet
you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go
wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

So the Pope headbutts her.





Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



Pearly Gates
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb
and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you,
how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding
there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
be alive."

Additional Details

23 hours ago
these jokes were originally posted by G00NER

i would appreciate some jokes in responce thanks


Answers: 23 hours ago
these jokes were originally posted by G00NER

i would appreciate some jokes in responce thanks omg....those were hillarious i absolutely loved the death one....no i mean the pearly gates one.......oh but the
Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn one is really good as well.....oh what the hell....i love all of them!!!

now here are some of mine:
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren’t so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Humor: Barber Shop
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut....she is eating a snack
cake... the barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your twinkie."

"I know, "she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

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scroll down.
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That's easy.... Seven-Up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber but wants some fun. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband didn't find it funny but with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

i was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my ****!"
"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.
"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."
"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.
"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."
He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

that's all i can think of!!!

cheers A man walked into a bar. That must have hurt.

A blonde died and asked Satan for a job application.

Why did the blonde miss her plane? She saw a sign on the highway that said "Airport left." 1. how can you tell that a blond has been using your computer?
A. White out on the screen

little johnny comes home from school to find out that his teacher has already called his mom. "go straight to your room and don't come out until your dad gets home!" says mom.
Dad gets home and asks johnny what the hell he did this time?
Well dad, it's like this- we were doing math problems. multiplication to be precise and teacher asks me what 3x5 is?
so i tell her 15! then she asks me what 5x3 is? (What's the freekin difference? dad interjects!)- that's just what i said, now i got detenteion and mom is really pissed!


little johnny visits granny's house

Little johnny and his pop go to granny's one saturday. Being only 5 or so, johnny stands up and announces to pop that he has to"go potty". Dad doesn't want to be disturbed from visiting with granny, so he says "johnny-you're a big boy now, all you have to do is remember the 7 steps to going potty,...
1 unzip your trousers, 2 pull out your willy, 3 pull back your foreskin, 4 relieve yourself, 5 pull your foreskin back forward,
6 zip up your trousers, 7 wash up. Johnny says "okay dad!" and heads fore the restroom.
over a half hour goes by and no sign of johnny,...dad gets a bit concerned and goes to check on him. He gets near the restroom door and hears a young voice inside "3-5-3-5-3-5-3-5-3-5-3-5-3-5-3...
dad knocks, "what ya doin in there johnny?"
"Practicing Dad!"

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