Last jokes 2nite enjoy, funny or not?!
Question: Marriage
A middle aged lawyer and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him! But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
Valentines
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Bad Heaven
An attorney passed on and somehow found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
Good News
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
Fast Chicken
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.
The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."
"How do they taste?" asked the man.
"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
Pregnancy
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway. On the roadside, he notices a sign from the corner of his eye which reads, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 10 Miles Ahead." Thinking it is just a figment of his imagination, the man drives on without a second thought. A little later, though, the man sees another sign which reads, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 5 Miles Ahead." When the man drives past a third sign saying, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution Next Right," his curiosity gets the best of him. The man pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre, stone building with a small sign next to the door reading, "Welcome To Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution." The man climbs the steps to the building and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit. "What may we do for you, my son?" asks the nun.
The man answers, "I saw your signs along the highway... I was interested in perhaps doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".
The man does as he is told and the door is answered by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
The man gets $50 from his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. Then, he trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door. He hears the sound of the door lock as he closes it behind him. Suddenly, he finds himself back in the parking lot, where he began, facing another small sign:
"Go In Peace, You Have Just Been F*cked By The Sisters Of Mercy."
Answers: Marriage
A middle aged lawyer and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him! But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
Valentines
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Bad Heaven
An attorney passed on and somehow found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
Good News
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
Fast Chicken
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.
The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."
"How do they taste?" asked the man.
"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
Pregnancy
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway. On the roadside, he notices a sign from the corner of his eye which reads, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 10 Miles Ahead." Thinking it is just a figment of his imagination, the man drives on without a second thought. A little later, though, the man sees another sign which reads, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 5 Miles Ahead." When the man drives past a third sign saying, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution Next Right," his curiosity gets the best of him. The man pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre, stone building with a small sign next to the door reading, "Welcome To Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution." The man climbs the steps to the building and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit. "What may we do for you, my son?" asks the nun.
The man answers, "I saw your signs along the highway... I was interested in perhaps doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".
The man does as he is told and the door is answered by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
The man gets $50 from his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. Then, he trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door. He hears the sound of the door lock as he closes it behind him. Suddenly, he finds himself back in the parking lot, where he began, facing another small sign:
"Go In Peace, You Have Just Been F*cked By The Sisters Of Mercy."
Good night and thanks for all the good jokes you posted today. Cheers hun. Good work lol
Yep it's another cracker. Thanks and good night.
Ha ha ha.!!!
Another Excellent couple of jokes there so 10/10.!!!
Cheers for a laugh from South Africa.!!!
omg some of those were really good. you've got a real comedian blood-stream, eh? Thanks again for the laughs. You rock.
best-o-luck.
ROTFL!!! Your great at this thanks for the laughs!!!!! =) another star for you!
All the others were old jokes to me, but the last one was a doozy. I will have to remember to tell my friends this one, wish there was more space I'd tell you one that is close to this. A little.
Fantastic Have a star
very good ha ha
All 10's. lol.
Well worth the read, nice one.
ROFLMAO!!!
:D Thanks for a really good laugh! I needed that!!
loved your jokes! especially the last one!! but...question...how the heck did you get all of that on there with out the additional details?!!!? lol. cheers!
Thats some good sh*t lady!!!
Lol thanks for the laugh thats what I needed today have a lousy cold,but you made me laugh out loud thow my troath is aching,here have a star.And a goodnights rest to you.xxxxxxx
very good liked the last one best *