"10 points for the best" What is the funniest joke you have ever heard!
Question: Give me the funniest, dirtiest, or most insane jokes jokes you have ever seen or heard and in 5 hours I will select the best one for TEN POINTS!!!!!!!
Answers: Give me the funniest, dirtiest, or most insane jokes jokes you have ever seen or heard and in 5 hours I will select the best one for TEN POINTS!!!!!!!
why is a chicken so ugly?
You'd be ugly too, with a pecker in the middle of your face
A woman accidentally ran over her cats tail at the n5 vertebrae, and separated the tail from the cat.
She picked up the tail and the cat and brought the two to Walmart...know why??
Walmart, the nations largest re-tailer! ha ha ha
this is more of a riddle
2 coins add up to 30 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What coins are they?
a) you only said one of them is a nickel. That means the other coin is a nickel...the other being a quarter.
It's sure to make your friends think hard and piss them off when you tell them the answer which is the true comedy in it all.
a hunter speaks to an emergency operator on the phone saying i accidentally shot my friend and i think hes dead the operator replies first thing is to make sure hes dead the line goes quiet and she hears a loud bang and the hunter returns to the phone and says ok now what
there was this boy who wanted to remember everything. He went to an opera stage and the were practicing me me me me me.
Then he went to a candy store and the kids were saying gotta getta gum drop gotta getta gum drop. Then he went to a restaurant and they were saying forks and knives forks and knives. Then he saw a commercial singing "plug it in plug it in". Then a police asked him did you see any body kill anybody? Me Me Me Me Me Me Me. I'm afraid your going to have to go to jail. gotta getta gum drop gotta getta gum drop. What did you use? Forks and Knives Forks and Knives. Oh, I'm afraid were going to put you in the electric chair. "plug it in plug it in"
The End
A panda walks into a bar, has a meal, then pulls out a 44 magnum and shoot's the bartender. Then he walks out the door.
The manager rushes out after him and asks "Why the hell did you do that?"
The panda says "look it up"
So the next day the managers looking up Pandas in a book and down the bottom it says
"Eats shoots and leaves."
Going for insane/abstract:
Two oranges are rolling down a hill, and one says to the other: "Where's my washing?"
On the other hand I do like:
Two sausages are in a frying pan, one says to the other "Phew, it's hot in here", he other shouts "Aaaarrrggghhhh a talking sausage!!!!"
once, in a conversation with a friend, she said "and now monkeys will come flying out my A** at any moment"
so, in my mind i see itty bitty flying monkeys from the wizard of oz come flying out her butt , grow to like 5' tall and then fly away.
:D i think in pictures more so than others..*L*
There was a girle that went to buy a TV then she was like I want that I want that TV then the boy was like no your blond then she went to the barber shop and paid 10$ died her hair into brown then she went back to the TV then she was like I want that TV then he was like no you have brown hair then she was like you edoit so she went to the baber shop paid
10$ and died her hair into red she went back and said I want that TV then the boy was like no you have red hair then she was like fu......k u then the boy was like
sorry mam the TV doesnt like red it makes him throw up and it doesnt like brown because the color of doodie makes the TV kick your butt..........the girle went back to the barber shop died her hair black and she wasted 10$ again she went back to the TV and said now you freakn' edoit where is my TV then he was like OK where is my money the girle was like you **** ***** ********* ************** then she got her gun out and poooooofffffff! that's the end for the man!!! LOL!!!!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
hahaah
I have a few good ones!
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
1. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
1. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Another one...
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,?
"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."
And another!
Humor relating to Iraq
1. The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
Iraqi Air Force motto:
I came I saw Iran
And another!
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. .
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open... the Marines can blow him up!!"
1.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians use a pencil.
1.
Starting monthly salary for US Marine...$984.60
One Bradley Fighting Vehicle...$3.16 million
Humanitarian aid for Iraq...$20 billion
Kickin' back with the boys in Saddam's Palace...priceless
1.
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills...
Hope you like them!!!
This one actually happened. During Ronald Reagan's presidency, he took a carriage ride with the Queen through a park in Britain. Toward the end of the ride, one of the horses began to pass gas, and the Queen quickly apologized, saying "I'm dreadfully sorry, there are some things even royalty cannot control!". Reagan responded "Well, if you wouldn't have said anything, I would have thought it was the horse!" The Queen wasn't amused.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck!
This one's just plain mean.
What's the difference between a clever dwarf and a female track star?
One of them is a cunning runt.
RON WHITE can't fix stupid.
Dad, What Does A Vagina Look Like?
A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.
"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.
"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."
"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."
"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."
"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."
"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."
A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.
"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"
"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"
your mother