I'm looking for funny jokes.?!
Question: IS this one good?
A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells
the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,
a dog can't do everything."
The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!
A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do
everything, damn it!"
The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,
the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."
The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything
... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the
sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do
everything."
He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,
"Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."
The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes
later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.
The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have
been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no
Charlie!
The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?
He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting
right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45
minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's
the story?!"
The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will
ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
Answers: IS this one good?
A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells
the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,
a dog can't do everything."
The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!
A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do
everything, damn it!"
The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,
the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."
The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything
... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the
sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do
everything."
He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,
"Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."
The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes
later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.
The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have
been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no
Charlie!
The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?
He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting
right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45
minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's
the story?!"
The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will
ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
i laughed at them out loud and i had to disguse it as cough to not get in trouble during spanish class. very funny.
aww sh*t here come the teacher to see if i am ok. crap.
EDIT: ok hes gone.
have a joke--
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll be back on track."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some delays..."
i dont get it :(
Not bad!
A man walks into a bar and says ah!!
HAHA this would make me ******* happy too
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
i like the centipede one. stat for you.. :)
i dont think its funny.
i understand it but its still very whitty
I have some funny jokes posted ....you can check them out on my ques page
soo good. star<3