Do you guys no any good jokes?!
Question: Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any
pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair there?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn’t!”
There's this girl with no education who lives in the country side with just a well. The country side has no techological advancements what-so-ever. A rich man who was taking a stroll in the country side sees the girl and asks if she want to come to the city where his house is and work for him. She agrees so she goes to work for him.
That night, the man was having a dinner-party at his house. All the guests came and settled down to eat dinner. The man then says to the girl, "get me a glass of water." The girl agrees and runs off to fetch him a glass of water. After he drinks it, he says, "get me another glass of water." She runs off to get it again and gives it to him. Towards the end of the dinner, the man says to the girl, "get me a glass of water." She goes off to get him his water. Minutes after, the man sees the girl wandering around the house with no water in the cup. The man says to the girl, "where's my water?" The girl says, "I can't get it because someone has pooped in it"
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
There were these three nuns who haven't EVER done anything bad. They wanted to know what it felt like to do something bad, so they told their priest about there situation. He told them to go out and do something bad, but make sure to come back and drink some holy water afterwards.
One hour later....
The first nun comes back shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I stole a woman’s purse!"
"Drink some holy water and you will be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The 2 nun comes in shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I set a house on fire!"
"Well, drink some holy water and you'll be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The third nun comes in from a room shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
“I went pee in the holy water!"
Four nuns went to confession seeking absolution. The priest asked each in turn what sin they had committed that he might guide them toward salvation.
The first nun said that she had seen a man's private parts. The priest said "wash your eyes with holy water and you shall be forgiven.”
The second nun said that she had touched a man's private parts. The priest said "wash your hands in the holy water and you shall be forgiven.”
As the third nun was about to enter the confessional the fourth nun stopped her and said "excuse me, sister, but do you mind if I gargle with the holy water before you sit in it?"
Answers: Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any
pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair there?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn’t!”
There's this girl with no education who lives in the country side with just a well. The country side has no techological advancements what-so-ever. A rich man who was taking a stroll in the country side sees the girl and asks if she want to come to the city where his house is and work for him. She agrees so she goes to work for him.
That night, the man was having a dinner-party at his house. All the guests came and settled down to eat dinner. The man then says to the girl, "get me a glass of water." The girl agrees and runs off to fetch him a glass of water. After he drinks it, he says, "get me another glass of water." She runs off to get it again and gives it to him. Towards the end of the dinner, the man says to the girl, "get me a glass of water." She goes off to get him his water. Minutes after, the man sees the girl wandering around the house with no water in the cup. The man says to the girl, "where's my water?" The girl says, "I can't get it because someone has pooped in it"
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
There were these three nuns who haven't EVER done anything bad. They wanted to know what it felt like to do something bad, so they told their priest about there situation. He told them to go out and do something bad, but make sure to come back and drink some holy water afterwards.
One hour later....
The first nun comes back shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I stole a woman’s purse!"
"Drink some holy water and you will be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The 2 nun comes in shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
"I set a house on fire!"
"Well, drink some holy water and you'll be forgiven"
She did what the priest said, and drank the water.
The third nun comes in from a room shouting "Priest! Priest! I've done something really, really, really bad!"
"What did you do?"
“I went pee in the holy water!"
Four nuns went to confession seeking absolution. The priest asked each in turn what sin they had committed that he might guide them toward salvation.
The first nun said that she had seen a man's private parts. The priest said "wash your eyes with holy water and you shall be forgiven.”
The second nun said that she had touched a man's private parts. The priest said "wash your hands in the holy water and you shall be forgiven.”
As the third nun was about to enter the confessional the fourth nun stopped her and said "excuse me, sister, but do you mind if I gargle with the holy water before you sit in it?"
Here's one for u,,,if u want more check out my questions section,,,
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the A*s on that Chick!"
I usually never smile but this joke made me crack up. Please read.
There was a guy that came to visit New York( from texes). He moved because he wanted to see his best friend. In New York 2 of them went to eat outside. The texes guy left his horse outside the resturant. Time passed and then his horse was missing. There were many people, he knew one of them stole his horse. So he said Yo i know one of you stole my horse, i'm going to finish my meal and if my horse isn't here i'm going to do what i did in Texes, and i don't like what i did in Texes and i don't want to do it again. He left and when he finished his meal, he went and his horse was there. In the ride home his friend asked, so what did you do in texes he said i had to go home.
this guy says to his friend, i need more sex in my life, and the friend says yes you do.
My girlfriend told me she wanted something that would go from zero to 160 in less than ten seconds for Christmas.
So I bought her a bathroom scale :)
why did michael jackson call boys 2 men?...........................he thought it whas a delivery service
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me
carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because
he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill
effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the
time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table
and made him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife
was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise
not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she
was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,
so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the
dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes,
farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells,
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for
his surprise birthday party.
ok im gonna b here for like an hour namin all of my jokes now!!! its all ur fault!!!
ok here we go: first
(blonde)
One day a blonde brunnette and a red head approached a river full of sharks and crocodiles and stuff and they were trying to figure out a way to get across. The red head (ranger) tried to swim across but she got eaten and then the brunnette tried to jump across but she didnn't make it and got eaten. Then the blonde says ” I know ill use that bridge over there to make a boat to get across
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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ok so theres a blonde guy (of course) and hes goin to work. he parks his car in the parkin lot and goes in
he comes out after 8 hours of work just to find someone tryin to break into his car! he trys to stop the car jacker but before he can the car jacker says" step in to the circle or else!!" so the blonde guy gets in the circle... a half hour or so later the blonde guy starts laughin for no reason! the car jacker looks at him and asks him wats so funny. the blonde says" while u weren't looking i stepped out of the circle!"
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ok a blonde a brunette and a red head...(here we go again huh?) are stranded in the middle of nowhere they decide they need to find food so thats wat they do. the brunette is fist! the brunette goes out first and comes back an hour later with a moose!! the red head and the blonde are amazed! when asked how she did it she replied" it was easy follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a moose!" the red head wants to try next so she goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer!the blonde is still amazed! when asked how she replied" it wasnt that hard follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a deer!!" the blonde says its her turn so she goes out and comes back 5 hours later with mangled hair, dirt all over,and a few bruises but no food!!! when asked wat happened she replied (barely) " it was easy follow the tracks follow the tracks *boom* hit a train!
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ok so theres a blonde and shes going to the salon and she walks in and the barber dude says "u have to take off ur head phones to get ur hair done"the blonde looks at him and says " no ill die!!!" the barber says ok ill wash around them"
so he's washing her hair and the batterie short surcuits and the blonde dies! the barber is kinda confused so he took out the CD and put it in his stereo. all of the sudden he hears" breathe in, breathe out!
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ok theres a blonde going to the eye doctor! and the blonde goes in and the doctor says" ok now mam if u could take out ur contacts? " the blonde goes " NO i'll DIE!!!" the eye doctor is kinda confused but tells the blonde to go home and come back tomorowso thats wat she does and when she comes back the next day the eye doctor had a trainquilizer gun and shoots her with it! he takes out her contacts and she dies! upon further inspection of the contacts he sees "left,right breathe breathe" etched into the contacts!
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Q: Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blonds have BMW's?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why did the blond die in a helicopter crash?
A: Because she got cold and turned the fan off.
Q: What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why do blonds wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk".
Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the Doctors?
A: Because she though it was pregnant because it missed a period.
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A blonde walk into a a bar orders a bottle of champagne The bartender asked what the occasion She says I finished a jigsaw puzzle The bartender repeats what she had said
She says yes It said on the 7 to 12 years and it took me only 6 months
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One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "Hi, is there anything I could do for your house or u???"
The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
She quickly agrees and gets straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?"
surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porche!"
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooo…….. can you see Florida...?????"
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A blonde had been saving up her money for some time but she didn't know what to buy. She was driving along one day and decided to buy a canoe. After buying it she realized it was too big to fit in her car. So she got in the canoe and started pushing it down the road. Car were speeding past and honking their horns when another blonde pulls up beside her and says " it's blondes like you that give other blondes a bad name, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your a**!!"
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There was a blonde, brunnete & a redhead.
They all had to swim 20 miles to reach their destination
first was the brunnete. she swam 10, 13, 14 and was too tired to carry on so she drowned.
Then there was the redhead.
She swam 10, 14 , 15 and was too tired and stopped & drowned.
Then there was the blonde,
(even though im blonde i find it rather funny)
She swam 10, 13, 16, 18 miles
and was too tired to carry on.
So she swam back again.
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A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and Stopped at a nearby farm. She said to the farmer "If Ican tell you how many
Sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer
Looked around astonished and said "all right take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your Natural hair colour can I have my sheep back?"the blonde agreed and the farmer said" your a blonde huh?" the blonde was shocked she wondered how he knew! she asked him how he knew and he said " well first of all you are holding my dog..."
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ok im tired of blonde jokes...
Q&A's!!!
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Random jokes :
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
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What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
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what do you call a fly without wings? 'A WALK'
What do you call a man with 1 leg?
IHOP
ok thats all i can think of for now.... ur lucky!!! B-Bye now