I'm bored!!!! Someone tell me a joke! Best joke gets 10 points?!
Question: I'm avoiding doing my homework. Best joke gets 10 points!! GO!
Answers: I'm avoiding doing my homework. Best joke gets 10 points!! GO!
Hope this joke can make a little smile on your face :)
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
Jeff walked into a bar and saw his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walked over and asked him what was wrong.
“Well,” replied Paul. “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replied Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” said Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” said Jeff. “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continued Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.
“Sensible” said Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” said Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
“I kicked her in the face.”
or this?
A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh that is very nice indeed, John!”, Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”
She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
okay this one made me laugh
a guy walks into a bar
he asks does anyone have a peguin?
and no one answers
and he says ****, i just ran over a nun.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko...
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest walk into a bar.
The Bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"
What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall?
DAM!
What is called when your nervousness goes away:
A nervous break down!!!
That wasn't funny. Still had fun tryin'.
A chinese man
a white man
and a black man were driving and got into an accident. All three of them died. At the gate they stood in a line and waited for God to let them in. God asked the chinese man if he has ever cheated on his wife...the chinese man said no never. God opened the gates, gave him an ESCALADE and told him to drive through.
Next God asked the white man if he had ever cheated on his wife the white man admitted to cheating on her ONE time. God gave him a broke down nissan and told him to drive through the gates.
Lastly God asked the black man how many times he had cheated on his wife and he told God that he knows that he can't lie to God so he told him EVERY CHANCE I GOT. God was pleased he at least told the truth so he gave him a bike. He rode his boke through the gates.
So the black man is riding past the Chinese man on his bike and sees that the Chinese man is crying. He tells the chinese man he should be happy he's driving a car and the Chinese man replies back "HOW COULD I BE HAPPY I JUST SAW MY WIFE RIDE BY IN ROLLERBLADES!!!"
A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink
The Bartender says "I dont serve vegetables, get outta here"
the mushroom replied "why not?, im a fungi" (fun guy) haha
1.Knock Knock
Who's there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!
2. Looking Good
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
3. Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"
4. Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
5. Your Mama is so stupid, she sits on the Television and watches the sofa.
6. Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?
The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.
....Hope you enjoed them and had a good laugh! =)
A blonde was driving down the road when she sees another blonde sitting in a boat trying to row it when there is no water insight. The blonde driving gets angry and pulls over. She gets out of the car and yells to the other blonde, "It is you kind of blondes that give us other blondes a bad name! If I could swim I would come out theer and kill you!"
**************************************... How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
you wave to her.
**************************************...
Three men were bragging about their fathers. (Note:these bragging men are at their 40's and in this joke ppl dont retire)
1st man: My father's so good at boxing, when he was 50, he won 3 matches in a row!
2 and 3rd man: BAH! THATS NOTHING!
2nd man: my father is better! He has only got hit 30 times in boxing! and only lost 12 times in his whole career!
3rd man: You all are whackos! You think thats good? My father's whole life he was at the boxing matches, HE NEVER GOT HIT!
1st and second man: GASP!
1st man: hows that possible?
2nd man: yeah, tell us!
3rd man: Okay, thats cause my father was a referee!
*the corny drums play*
An old lady and an old man were sitting out on the porch of a retirement home when suddenly and old man went streaking by, as naked as a blue jay. The old man on the porch looked up and said " what in heavens name was that?" The old lady said "I don't know but it shore needed ironing."
Lucky Drink
A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his
clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks
around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the
rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:
Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.
He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."
Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,
"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"
all right... time for a good one...
there are three angels talking to god in heaven. God is angry at them because they have been bad. he tells them if they stay bad, then he will make them drink out of a special fountain with holy water. so one angel comes back 15 min later and has to go and drink out of the fountain. The next one comes back 30min. later and has to go drink too. Finally, the third one comes back and says, "as soon as you told as to go, i went and peed in the holy water!"
lol, email me at superbuffguy@att.net if you thaught it was funny alright! P.S- it is my real email.
20 Ways to Torture Telemarketers!
Sick Of Telemarketers? Try This!!
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male:
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder... louder...louder...
20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.