Jokes Jokes Jokes?!
Question: Hey,
I've got this "tradition" of telling my friends a joke a day when we're in the train. I've run out of good, i repeat good jokes and would love any jokes - lame, funny or whatever. Thankyou guys SO SO much.
Answers: Hey,
I've got this "tradition" of telling my friends a joke a day when we're in the train. I've run out of good, i repeat good jokes and would love any jokes - lame, funny or whatever. Thankyou guys SO SO much.
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
http://www.jokeaday.com has an archive
How many mice, does it take to screw in a light bukb?
Just two, but how they got in there beats me!
Whats black & white & goes 50 miles an hour?
A skunk in a blender, ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says, "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
how did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
- left the plunger in the toilet
-rearranged the living room furniture
-glued a door nob to a wall
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
-you would too if your name was "whooowooowoo!"
Did you know Helen Keller had a Doll house in her back yard?
-neither did she
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
-she tried reading a stucco wall
-tried reading a basketball
These are somewhat lame, hope you can use em...give me best answer!
Husband goes out drinking on pay day..does not return home till Sunday.
His wife berates him mercilessly.
She says.." how would you like it if you did not see me for 3 days?
"He says...sarcastically I assume.." that would be fine"
Monday he does not see his wife, and Tuesday and Wednesday pass....Wednesday evening the swelling goes down and he can see her out of the corner of his left eye.
I love it!
I know...it is old....but I enjoy it.
Why is History so sweet...?
Because it is full of dates...!!
vat do computers eat ven they are hungry?
microchip
Maria's Wedding Night
------------------------------
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says
the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take
good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When
she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama,
Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for
Mama."