Do you know any jokes?!
Question: it can't be knock knock jokes.
Answers: it can't be knock knock jokes.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head!"
A man walks into a bar....it hurt
Why did Snoop Dog use an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall.....damn
The Ol' BC Joke
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation at a popular campground. But she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC."
"Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.'" He sat down and wrote a response to the widow's question. When, she read it, she nearly fainted and reserved a cabin on a cruise ship instead.
This is what he wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
there are 5 people on a plane, a popstar, a genius, a litttle girl, a pilot and a co-pilot. the pilot says that the plane is going to crash. then the co-pilot says that there is only four parachutes.the popstar takes one and says that she is to pretty to die. the genius takes a parachute and says that he is to smart to die. the co-pilot takes on and says that he is to young to die. the pilot looked at the little girl and said that she could have the last parachute. the little girl shook her head and said that there were two parachutes left. the pilot bent over and asked her what she meant. she looked over her shoulder and pointed at the 2 parachutes. they took the parachutes and left the plane. when on the land the pilot told the girl how she knew that there was an extra parachute? the girl said that there wasn't an extra parachute and that the genius took her backpack.
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients but felt really guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming but once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice inside him say "Dave, you wouldn't be the first doctor to sleep with one of the patients and you won't be the last plus you're single so just let it go.
But invariably there would be the other voice that would bring him back to reality whispering...
"But Dave you're a Vet".
ur mum so dumb I asked her to dance the running man........she never came back
A man is in the bar and is extremely intoxicated. It's almost closing time and the bartender tells him, "Listen buddy, it's almost closing time and you have had enough. You gotta go." The drunk gets up off the bar stool and almost falls down. He swaggers to the door and practically falls into the street. As he stumbles along, a nun wearing her habit comes walking the other way. She reaches him and he punches her. She grabs her nose and says, "Why did you do that? Why did you hit me?" The drunk grabs her and throws her into the wall. She falls and he kicks her over and over again. The nun is moaning and groaning on the ground with a bloody nose gribbing her sides. The drunk stands over her and slurs to the nun, "Not so tough now are ya batman!"
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other 'Dang its hot in here', the second muffin says 'Oh my God! Its a talking muffin'
rofl
Eden
Amazing !!!!!!!!!!!!
When I first heard that joke (about sixty years ago), I was still in junior school!
It was slightly different, though. The euphemism used was WC (for water closet), which was mistaken for Wesleyan Chapel.
The rest, about taking a packed lunch and making a day of it, was pretty similar.
What goes around comes around!
I could tell you the one about the airplane... but it would be way over your head. . .
So anyway,, their were two guys who went hunting together, and all of a sudden one falls down. The other one calls 911, and says "what do I do, what do I do? I think my hunting buddy is dead!!!" The 911 operator says "well, first, make sure he is actually dead." The guy says "ok," and the 911 operator hears a shot. "Now what?"
one day little Johnny walked in on his parents.
his mom was bent over in front of the dresser with his dad behind her..his dad saw him there and winked and truned around to get back to his thing.
after his dad was done he walked into lilttle Johhnys room with his grandma bent over infront of the dresser with lil johnny behind him. his dad yells "what the heck are you doing!?" and johnny replies with "its not as funny when its your mom huh?"
James' Beard
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
in the cemetery i saw four men carrying around a coffin round and round. three hours later i saw the same three men carrying the same coffin and i thought to my self they've lost the ******* plot
A rabbi and a priest get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Manishewitz wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a bit, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police"
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=tlNcRV8io9...