Please tell me a joke that will make me laugh! I'm bored!?!


Question: Here is an old and sick joke for you.

How can you tell if a Scotsman is a part of the McDonald clan?
Lift up his kilt and see if he has a big Mac or a quarter pounder...lol.


Answers: Here is an old and sick joke for you.

How can you tell if a Scotsman is a part of the McDonald clan?
Lift up his kilt and see if he has a big Mac or a quarter pounder...lol.

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several
months pregnant boarded a bus.



When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing...... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I couldnt control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!

i will ask a riddle........
a poor have--------------
a rich wants ------------
if you eat-----------------
you will die....
whati is it......the answer for this riddle is only one answer for these three questions..

the answer is nothing..........

What does an 80 year old woman's vagina smell like?
Depends (An adult diaper brand. I hope you know it!)

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says " newton's out..newton's out..... "
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......! ,_

i thought i am in love.......
my nights going sleepless
my days going useless

so i asked god: IS THIS LOVE????
God replied-
no dear,
you have loads of work to do and are dumb at multitasking.....
so, better get down doing something worthwhile

ive got a few posted. check them out and tell me if you like them!!!!!

starred!!



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