Best Joke?!
Question: What is your best joke? Whether it be blonde, yo momma, or regular joke. Nothing perverted though. Something good and hardy!
Answers: What is your best joke? Whether it be blonde, yo momma, or regular joke. Nothing perverted though. Something good and hardy!
- I teach preschool, 2 year olds. When I was Pregnant with my 3rd child, I saw no reason to tell my class because they were so young. As the year was coming to an end, I grew quite large. One of my little darlings came up to me and said," Miss Ilene, your belly is getting very fat!" I asked this little boy if he'd like to know why, and he said yes. I told him I had a baby in my tummy. He walked away, saying nothing. The next day, this happy, never cry child pitched a fit when his mother tried to leave. She pulled him aside and they talked for a few minutes, and the little boy calmed down, and the mom was grinning from ear to ear. I asked what happened and she said, "Adam thought you might eat him, you've already eaten a baby."
- One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
- The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; ...she's dead."
- I teach 2nd grade and have many funny stories, but this one tops them all. One day little girl in my cousin's first grade class went home and asked her mother what testicles were. Caught off guard, her mother sat down and gingerly began to explain, as best as she could, what they were. After the long spill, the little girl looked at her mother and said, "That is not what my teacher told me they were. She told me that you wear them on your eyes to help you see better!" Needless to say, it was spectacles (glasses) that were being talked about!!
One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive. She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, "Aren`t you going to arrest me?".
The cop asked, "why?"
She replied, "Cause I was drinking and driving!"
The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, "We can`t arrest you if you`re driving while drinking water!"
There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "whoa! Its getting hot in here!" The other muffin says, "HOLY CRAP!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Little johnny!?
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
More Little Johnny jokes, funny?
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
~~~~~
Where is God?
Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.
The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"
A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.
Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"
Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"
--------------------------------------...
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
knock knock
who's there?
smelly toilet
smelly toilet who?
YOU.
.
Yo mama's so fat that when she farts, the National Weather Service is alerted.
oh, and
Yo mama's so stupid that when she was working at the M&M factory, they told her to pick out all the ones that didn't have an M on them. She picked all of them because she thought they were W's.
So there's a line of people in heaven, they're all new arrivals. God goes to each one and offers 1 wish. The first person says I want to be beautiful. So god makes that person beautiful. The second person say I'm sick of being ugly, I want to be pretty. So god of course makes her pretty. The third person says the exact same thing, I want to be gorgeous. So like always, god says alright fine, makes her gorgeous. After about 50 or 60 of the same requests to be beautiful, God comes up to the last person in line, a small boy. The boy is laughing, god asks why he's laughing. The boy says "My wish is to make everyone ugly again."
Okay here is one. I hope u like it :).
Mr. Wood?
What?
Why are you looking in the mirror with your eyes closed?
Because i want to see how i look like when i sleep....
why is santas sack so big.........becuz he only cums once a year
a blond went into a store to buy a tv the manager said they do not sale to blonds so she goes and buys a wig and want back and was looking at a tv the manager ask if he can help her she said she wants to buy a tv he said i thought i told you we do not sale to blonds she said how didi you know he that a microwave not a tv
Your Momma Is so stupid she put a quarter in the parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out!
From my daughter:
1. Yo momma sooooo fat, that when Jesus said "let there be light" everyone pushed her out of the way!
2. there were three guys who were dead, they asked god for one more chance, god said ok, jump off this cloud and say what you want to be...1st guy jumps and says I wanna be a cat...2nd guy jumps and says I wanna be a bird....3rd guy jumps and trips and say "oh crap"!
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a
small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old
Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can
you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the
three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old
as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted
to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of
him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored
her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her
room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to
his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw
a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did
so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was
better than castration he jumped out of the window after the
boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign
on the ground that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
.
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