Funniest Jokes You Ever Heard!! Please Submit To Good Cause!?!
Question: Calling all one liner's- i need your best, your funniest joke that you got. please going to a great cause, any rating... just submit!!! 10 points to the best!!!
Answers: Calling all one liner's- i need your best, your funniest joke that you got. please going to a great cause, any rating... just submit!!! 10 points to the best!!!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
I also like "Why did you blonde sleep with the mexican?" Becuase her teacher told her to do a essay/ese
What do you call an afghan virgin
Mever bin laid on
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A lickalotopis
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
two muffins are in an oven one muffin says "boy it's hot in here and the other muffin says holy crap a talking muffin
Q) What is the difference between a blonde woman and a fridge?
A) The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A BaBOOM!
Why is a chicken so ugly?
You'd be ugly too, with a pecker in the middle of your face.
A man was going to heaven and was waiting for St.Peter. While he was waiting he saw lots of humungous clocks. When St.Peter came he asked him "What are all these clocks?" St. Peter told him those are lie clocks. "Everybody in the world has lie clocks. Everytime you tell a lie it ticks one second." The man was still confused so St.Peter showed him. " See George Washingtons clock? It ticked only three times. See Lady Teressa's clock? It never ticked." The man looked around and asked "Where is George Bush's clock?" St.Peter smiled and answered " Oh don't worry about that clock I'm using it as a ceiling fan in my office."
why did the blonde get fired from the m&m factory?
she threw out all the w's!