JoKE CONTEST!?!
Question: ok best one gets 10 pts. here's what you have to do...
you have to post at leat one joke for every category!
1.drunk/bar
2.dirty/sex
3.cheating spouse
4.priest/nun
5.blonde
BONUS: OR YOU CAN SUBSTITUE THESE IN IN FOR SOMETHING ELSE...
6.genie
7.Micheal Jackson
8.celebrity
9.something to do with kids (can be a little johnny)
10. anything else ya wanna throw in.
to ensure best answer...do all of them! good luck!
Answers: ok best one gets 10 pts. here's what you have to do...
you have to post at leat one joke for every category!
1.drunk/bar
2.dirty/sex
3.cheating spouse
4.priest/nun
5.blonde
BONUS: OR YOU CAN SUBSTITUE THESE IN IN FOR SOMETHING ELSE...
6.genie
7.Micheal Jackson
8.celebrity
9.something to do with kids (can be a little johnny)
10. anything else ya wanna throw in.
to ensure best answer...do all of them! good luck!
1. So this guy walks into a bar, and says "Ow."
2. There was an 18 year old guy, John, who slept on the top bunk bed while his 7 year old brother, Stevie, slept on the bottom bed. One night John's girlfriend, Jenna went to his house to sleep over. They wanted to have sex very badly, but they didn't want Stevie to know. So John and Jenna made up a code. Lettuce meant harder, tomato-faster, turkey- deeper and bread-switch positions. So John and Jenna climbed up to the top bunk, and Stevie was on the bottom. Then from the top bunk came "lettuce, tomato, turkey, turykey , bread, tomato, tomato OH tomato!!! So John and Jenna kept going with lettuce, tomato, turkey and bread. But then Stevie said, "could you guys stop making sandwiches?... you're getting mayo all over my bed!
3.Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
4.It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Harold Brown".
The 3 nuns thought to themselves, "oh! it's just Harold Brown, the blind man of the town. Everything is fine."
So the 3 nun open the door and say "Hello Harold, is everything alright?"
And Harold says, "good news Sisters, I'm not blind anymore!"
5. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were all at the park one day, and came across a slide. But it was no ordinary slide. For when one was to slide down this slide, they'd be able to name any drink of their liking and land in a huge pool of it.
So the brunette climbed up the slide, and as she came down she yelled, "Peppssssiiii!" and she landed in a huge pool of pepsi.
Then it was the redheads turn. So she climbed up the slide and as she went down she screamed "Lemmmonnnaddde!!!" and landed in a huge pool of lemonade.
So then it was the blonde's turn. So she carefull walked up the slide and as she slid down she screamed, "WWWEEEEEEEE!!"
BONUS
6. 3 guys were stuck on an island. One day, one of the guys found a very old bottle. As he opened the bottle, out popped a genie who granted each of the guys 1 wish.
The first guy wished he could go home to his family. Poof, his wish came true and he was back with his family. The second guy wished the same thing, that he could go home to his family. Poof, the second guy was home with his family.
The third guy wasn't exactly smart. He looked around the island, feeling kind of lonely. He looked at the genie and said "I wish my 2 friends were back on the island again with me."
7.Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
8. What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed ?
Hit me baby one more time
9.Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied
10. Q. how do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogie in it!
*had to end on a classic!
hehe soo funny
i got nothing. i just wanted to tell you that your response to that guy's answer was really funny!!! lol :-)
I've got one for number 10.
This is, well, the ONLY funny knock-knock joke EVER.
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
The Interrupting Cow
Now in the middle of when the other person says "The Interrupting Cow who?" You say MOO!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
There are three blonde men held and decided to be punished of death because of their heinous crimes, but they were to choose the way they are gonna be killed, either they are gonna be electrocuted or injected with the AIDS virus. The first to decided to be electrocuted. The last decided the latter.
Blonde 1: why did you chose to be injected?
Blonde 2: Yeah why?
Blonde 3: Okay... I'm gonna tell you a secret... but you shouldn't tell this to anybody or I gonna be busted for sure...
Blonde 1 & 2: What?
Blonde 3: I'm wearing condom!!!
Priest: Nun, come here!
Nun: Father, no!
Priest: Close the door!
Nun: Father, no!
Priest: Turn off the lights!
Nun: father, no!!!!
Priest: Come here beside me!
Nun: Father no!!!
Priest: Look at my rosary, glow in the dark!
MR: Honey, I promise, i'm going to break off with Angela, and Betty, and Christina, and my other girls.
MRS: Thank god. I also promise, that our next child will be yours. promise.
TEACHER: Okay, class. Science is our lesson for today. What is Science?
John: Pick me! Pick me!!
TEACHER: Okay john, what is Science?
John: Ma'am, Science is our lesson for today.
When China makes gloves, they dip their hands in latex and airdry them. Now imagine how they make condoms.
Here's Number 1-5,
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........
"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"
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It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"
"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.
Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.
"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
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A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
President George W Bush's Clock
A man dies and went on to heaven and met Saint Peter. Saint Peter welcomes him and shows him around the heaven. As the man walks around, he saw many clocks with name engraved on it. One of them has Mother Theressa written on it. He curiously ask Saint Peter what does that mean. Saint Peter explains that the clock shows how many lies has Mother Theressa made in her lifetime. The clock shows 0 and it means she had not told any lies before in her lifetime. Then the man saw a clock belongs to Princess Diana which shows number 4 and asked Saint Peter do that mean she told 4 time lies in her lifetime? Yes, Saint Peter answered. Jockingly, he asked about the clock of President George W Bush. Saint Peter then told him that Jesus using the clock in his room as a fan!
Hahahaha is this funny? What? you dun get it?
It is because Pres Bush talks so many lies, the hand of the clock keep spinning non stop until it can be made into a fan!