Funniest Jokes =)?!
Question: I really need to listen to the funniest jokes you ever heard ! Make me smile, make me laugh ! best gets 10 points (best answer) ... Entertain me =)
Answers: I really need to listen to the funniest jokes you ever heard ! Make me smile, make me laugh ! best gets 10 points (best answer) ... Entertain me =)
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."
When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"
The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."
Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."
So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.
The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little Lady
Little Lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
what did the lady say to micheal jackson when he was at the beach?
excuse me you're in my son
there were 2 blondes trying to unlock there car door with a coat hanger.
the first blonde says" i can't seem to get it opened"
the second one says " well you better hurry, it's starting to rain, and the top's down.
here's a dirty joke.......
jack plays in the mud
here's a clean joke....
jack takes a bath with bubbles.....
another dirty one.......
bubbles is the girl next door.
hoped you liked them.
well i know some others, but i hope that's good enough.
Fred and Joe went to a bar.
Fred saw this woman looking at him. He asks Joe what to do.
Joe says smile at her.
Fred smiled at her. Then he tells Joe that the woman just winked at him.
Joe says wink back.
Fred winks back, then tells Joe that the woman just licked her lips.
Joe says lick your lips.
Fred does. Then tell Joe that the woman just showed him her boob.
Joe says show her your nuts.
Fred sticks his thumbs in his ears, wiggles his fingers, and sticks out his tongue.
What's the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
The #2 pencil...
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Al mighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.
I about died when I read that. I hope you like it =)
P.S. I honestly don't care if I get the best answer because I love making people laugh :D
Patrick the builder leaves Dublin for a site in England.At lunchtime he sits down with an English pal.While he is eating his dinner the Englishman brings out a flask,Patrick says excuse me sir what the hell is that you've brought out of your bag,the Englishman tells him its a flask Patrick says what the hell do you do with that.The Englishman tells him it is good for hot and cold food anddrink,Patrick says bloody hell I'll get one of those before I go home.Patrick sits down at lunchtime on a site in Dublin and brings his flask out Murphy says patrick what have you got there,patrick tells him a flask you can you can have hot or cold food in there so Murphy says what the hell you got in then patrrick savs two cups of tea and four ice lollies.
a red neck walks into a hardware store and asked the clerk for a chain saw that can cut 6 trees in one hour.
the sales man recommends the top of the line model. the red neck is suitably impressed and buys it. the next day he brings it back and says the chain saw is defective. it would only cut down 1 tree and it took all dam day.. the sales mans takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what is wrong.. and the red neck asks " what's that noise'?
Ready For Some Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. after laying there for a few mins, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Its fart football!"
A few mins later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown tie score!"
After five mins the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 - 7!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 - 14!'
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half -time, Switch sides!".
Ok i got some for you and i hope you love them all. Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ***?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. Because they both drip when they're fucked!
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747?
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow **** have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A ******** with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A. There is white out on the screen.
Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?
A. Open 24 hours a day.
Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the toilet duck!
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.
Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.
Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover the valve stem.
Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.
Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
1.Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
2.Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cameron: We should watch the chicken, but not force it or manipulate it. Find out what that tells us about its past actions, but not do anything dishonest.
Chase: It's just a chicken. It was probably running away from some fat American kid.
Foreman: You're both wrong it's a neurological reaction to stimuli. Come on people.
House: Actually you're all wrong. The real question is why should we care? The answer is we shouldn't. Next case. Oh and give me my damn pills!
3.A bride on her wedding day gushes to her mother, "Mom, I've finally found a man that's just like Dad!"
Her mom says, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"