Share your Jokes (10 points for best jokes!)?!
Question: Here's mine: Dan finds out he's about to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies. He decides he needs a woman to enjoy it with. So he goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful lady. 'I may look ordinary,' he tells her, 'but in a week or two, my dad will die, and I'll get millions.' Impressed, she goes home with him - and three days later becomes his stepmum. >> now share your jokes ;)
Answers: Here's mine: Dan finds out he's about to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies. He decides he needs a woman to enjoy it with. So he goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful lady. 'I may look ordinary,' he tells her, 'but in a week or two, my dad will die, and I'll get millions.' Impressed, she goes home with him - and three days later becomes his stepmum. >> now share your jokes ;)
Love in a Mental Hospital
>
> Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while
> they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
> into
> the deep end.
>
> He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
> jumped in to save him.
>
> She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>
> When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
> immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
> considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
> and bad news.
>
> The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to ratio
> nally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
> patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
>
> The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
> bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
> sorry,but he's dead."
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
> canI go home?"
How did Hitler die? He had a heart attack when he got the gas bill
What do you call 2 lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet!
An elephant's storming thru' the jungle, when he bumps into a mouse!!! He glares down at the little creature and roars, "Why am I such a lean, mean, fighting machine?? And you're a skinny little bast'ard???!!"
The mouse says, "I've been ill!!"
A bus pulls up at a stop, where a limbless thalidonide is waiting, leaning against the lamp post.... Driver says, "How r ya getting on??" 8(
what do ya call a limbless man hanging from a mountain??? Clever Dick
these are my two favourites - one just because i made it up:
1. what goes black, white, black, white, black, white? a nun rolling down a hill. what goes black, white, haha, black, white, haha? the nun that pushed her.
it's not the cleverest, but you've got to admit, it's a really funny picture.
2. three friends are walking home to their flat from the pub. they take a shortcut through an old playground. all of a sudden, they spot an enormous slide with a big cauldron at the bottom and a strange man standing under it. he says to the three, "this is a magic slide. whatever you say whilst going down you will land in a cauldron of." so one friend steps forward and climbs up the slide. as she goes down she screams "caaaaaash!" and so lands in a cauldron of crisp 100 pound notes. another friend now steps forward to climb the slide. whilst going down she shouts "chooooocolate!" and of course, lands in a cauldron of chocolate. the last friend now steps forward and climbs the slide. she has so much fun that she screams "weeeeee!" and lands in a cauldron filled to the brim with urine.
what do you call a dog with no tongue.....smelly balls..
what's red and spongey....??? a red sponge....
what's blue and spongey..???? a red sponge with a denim jacket on.. (got them out a cracker.)....sorry i mean a crack whore...
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'
In tune with your theme - Old 'enry amazes his fellow golf club members by marrying a dishy blonde aged 32 with an hour-glass figure. When next out on the course, friends demand to know: "How does a wrinkly 83 year-old ugly sob like you pull a bird like that?"
Old 'enry winks and explains "I lied about my age. I told her I was 94"
(Sorry - source unknown)
Gary hadn't turned up for work, or called in sick, and his boss was worried cuz Gary was a responsible guy. So the boss called Gary's house, the phone is answered after the first ring.
"Hello?" whispers a young boy.
"Hello there son, can I speak to your dad please?" the boss asks.
"He's busy" replies the boy, still whispering.
"OK, can I speak to your mom then please?" the boss replies.
"No, she's busy too".
The boss was starting to get a bit angry now.
"Look, can I just speak to an adult please?" he tries.
the little boy replies "There is a police man here, but he's busy with mom and dad too".
The boss is now worried again. "A police man? Whats going on there?"
"Well the police man is here to help mom and dad with the looking" the boy answers.
"Looking? What are they looking for?"
the little boy giggles, and then replies
"ME!"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob
why did god make ponies? So mexican cowboys could have lowriders :)
hahaha i like these jokes