Can someone make me smile??!
Question: Who ever read my last ? knows why
Answers: Who ever read my last ? knows why
kinda long, but it's worth your time
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A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ***."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
no.........i am not a ************* joker
i don't know about ur last post but i got a joke i can tell
Why did the Moneky fall out of the tree?
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because it was dead! lol
are you tickleish???
OK. I'm gonna take a picture now. 3,2, 1, SMILE.............
heres two.
why did the boy fall off his bike?
his mum threw a fridge at him
why did the boy fall out of the tree?
his mum threw a fridge at him
why did the boy die?
because he suffered many heart attacks and numerous diseases
=]
also.
i went to the zoo on the weekend it had one dog.
it was a shitzu
GET IT ****....ZOO
AND SHITZU the dog
=]
hey could you give me an icecream.that will be 25$.i dont have money.hey are you doing with that knife don't don"t help oh no breeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
I have a joke for you. What is the difference between a chorus line and a three ring circus?
The three ring circus has cunning stunts!!!!!:)
I hope your evening is OK and that you can get some sleep!
why did the plane fall from the sky?
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cos the pilot was an orange!!!
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a lady was having her apartment redecorated. the designer person was in her apartment and taking down the paint colours etc that she wanted.
they walk into the loungeroom. 'i want this room in sand' the lady said.
the designer wrote it down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled 'green side up!'
the lady was puzzled at this behaviour but didnt comment.
they walked into the bedroom. ' i want this in lime green' the lady said.
the designer wrote it down, walked to the window and yelled out 'green side up!'
the lady was by now thoroughly confused but kept on going.
they walked into the kitchen. 'i want this in cream' the lady said.
the designer wrote it down, walked to the window and yelled 'green side up!'
the lady was annoyed by now and said 'why do you keep on yelling that out?'
the designer said 'oh, i have a group of blondes laying turf at the park across the road.'