Tell me a funny Joke?!


Question: I need a laugh! the joke that has me laughing the hardest will win 10 points.


Answers: I need a laugh! the joke that has me laughing the hardest will win 10 points.

heres a joke!

One morning this woman woke up and said to her husband, “I had the strangest dream. They were auctioning off penises. The long ones were going for one hundred dollars and the thick ones were going for two hundred dollars.” Her husband asks, “What were the ones like mine going for?” “Oh they were giving them away” she replied. Her husband said he had had a dream too. In his dream, they were auctioning off vaginas. He said, “The pretty ones were going for one thousand dollars and the tight ones were going for two thousand dollars.” She asks, “What were the ones like mine going for?” He said, “Oh that’s where they were holding the auction.”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

______________________________________...

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection,
the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please
report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is
about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

______________________________________...

4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted to
watch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels
on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so she
can knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted to
watch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion,
they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the
same things.
This is what is sounded like:
And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...Out...In...Out...and
yes, the baby is born!

______________________________________...

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."

______________________________________...

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
the Designated Decoy."
______________________________________...

The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France,
and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the
array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him.

"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.

"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied.
"That's why I want a nice gift."

______________________________________...

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the
door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
______________________________________...

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm
constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean
over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks
him on the *** with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the
bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great.
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
______________________________________...

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this
kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said
to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can
do something about this...'
To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in
sales, not management.'

______________________________________...


A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time."

______________________________________...

Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much
better since his operation, but couldn't account for the
enormous bump on the back of his head.
"Oh, that," chuckled Mrs. Horntoot. "Just before your
operation they suddenly ran out of ether!"

______________________________________...

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

______________________________________...

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."
______________________________________...

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me
face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn
around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank
you very much!"

______________________________________...

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do. What am I?

A Tent
______________________________________...

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new
Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise
this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to
best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance
between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN
written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and
press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and
place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder
and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake
______________________________________...

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

4. What do M&Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)

7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)

10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)

14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ..." (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words)
And he lied!

22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ..." (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)

25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ..." (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. "... why, because we like you."
10. nothing but a smile!
11. "a little dab will do ya."
12. over 30!
13. "...who wrote the book of love"
14. "absolutely nothing!"
15. "long time passing"
16. "the American way"
17. "Joe Nameth", aka "Broadway Joe", aka "Joe Willie".
18. "...'cause I eats me spinach."
19. Mary Martin.
20. "Plastic"
21. Dick Nixon.
22. "Big John"
23. on blueberry hill.
24. "...wherever you are."
25. "Good night, David."
26. "...pants on fire."
27. "You're on Candid Camera."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


From:

Once a wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied,






"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!" :-)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the
same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will
be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse
me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs , pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.




A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell
no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind ,
or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter.
"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
"Have a good day."

an insurance agent saw adam and eve - Hmm he declared, i can see, you're not covered!

last Saturday I woke up with the alarm at 5:30 to go fishing.
I quietly dressed so as not to wake my wife, and headed out to the garage to hook up the boat trailer.
As I drove out of the garage, I saw just how hard it was raining. So i backed the boat back into the garage and turned on the radio to listen for the weather forecast.
It turned out it was going to be raining and windy all day.
So i unhooked the boat and carefully crept back into the the house.
I slipped into the bedroom with something else on my mind to while away the stormy day.
As i lay back in bed I whispered to my wife ( can you believe how lousy the weather is outside today)
She replied ( can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it)
I'm not sure to this day if she was kidding or not.

This is a dumb one.... but still:
Tom: I wanna marry, Dad.
Dad: Who do you wanna marry?
Tom: Grandma
Dad: Why?
Tom: Because you married my mother.
Tom is a 5 yr old BTW.

God was sitting in Heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "Lord, we
don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replied God.

"Well", said the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me. "

So the scientist bent down to the earth and started to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupted God,

"Get your own dirt."



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