Does anyone know any good jokes?!
Question: i really could use a good laugh right now
Answers: i really could use a good laugh right now
A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered - waiting for autumn.
Funny Explanation
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.”
Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.”
Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!”
Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!”
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders.
Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?“
People Then Cars
A man was driving in a car and people were crossing the street in front of him.
He was in a hurry and they were walking slow.
He started honking at them so they walk faster.
A policeman saw him and so he stoped him.
Police: Why are you honking at the people?
Man: I'm in a hurry and there're so many of them, they'll take forever.
Police: Well, you see god made people then cars. so people go before cars. You have to let them go first.
Man: But, cars were made before trains. We have to let the trains go before us.
The police started laughing and let them go.
Crazy Dyslexic Cop
A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. “How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!” screams the captain.
The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his two way radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly.
“One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”
“That’s good,” thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.
“One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”
“I am doing great!” says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head.
“One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L … B-L-U …B-O-L-L … B-I-L …”
Finally, the frustrated cop looks around, then kicks the head with his boot, and writes, “One head in the D-I-T-C-H.“
Get The FBI To Do It
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
things Your Mom Would Never Say To
How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
There is a Chinese, an Italian and an Iraqi in a plane. The person flying the plane says "Each of you chuck something out, the plane's too heavy and it's gonna crash!"
So the Chinese chucks out a laptop and says "My country can make more of these."
The Italian chucks out a bowl of pasta and says "My country can make more pasta."
The Iraqi then chucks out a bomb and says "My country can make loads more bombs."
When they land, the Chinese guy sees a guy who is estatic. He asks him why he's so happy and he says "Wow, it's my lucky day! I was just standing here doing nothing and a laptop fell from the sky into my hands!"
The Italian then comes across a guy who's really grumpy. He asks him why he's so mad and the guy says: "I was just standing here minding my own business when a bowl of pasta falls from the sky onto my head!"
A while later, the Iraqi sees this old man laughing. He asks him why he's laughing and the old man says:"I farted and my house blew up!"
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
okay so there was this one guy and he wanted to talk to this one girl so he was really shy and he went up to her and said one word....................................... he said "pretty", kindof gruffly in his manly voice. she was scared and ran off but foolishy went back to talk to him and she said cream. and he said want some suger? and they lived happily ever after
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton ..
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks!?"