Who has a funny joke contest?!
Question: im bored because ive heard alot of the same jokes from my freinds so who has a funny joke
funniest gets top answer!!
Answers: im bored because ive heard alot of the same jokes from my freinds so who has a funny joke
funniest gets top answer!!
A blond, a black haired woman, and a brunette were on top of a burning house when the firemen came to their rescue. The firemen stretched out a blanket for the ladies to jump into. They yelled for the black haired woman to jump first. She did but they moved the blanket and she hit the ground.
They yelled for the brunette to jump, she did and they moved the blanket and she hit the ground.
They yelled for the blond and the blond said, "No way, I don't trust you guys. You'll move it on me. So just set the blanket down and move away."
I was working with this blonde one time. I told her this next joke.
There was this blonde that called 911 because her house was on fire. She was frantic so the firemen were trying to calm her down. "Mame, calm down, it will be ok. We just need to know how to get to your house."
She replied, "Well duh. Big red truck." She hung up.
This girl that I worked with said, "Those stupid firemen."
theres a lady on the beach w/no arms and no legs.a guy walks by her and she goes "excuse me sir can yu do me a favor can i get a hug cz i never been hugged" so he feels bad for her so he hugs her.. the nxt day he passes by again and again she goes.. excuse me sir can yuh kiss me ive never been kissed.. again he feels bad for her so he kisses her.. the last day he passes by once more and she goes excuse me sir can you "f" me ive never been "f"ed.. so the guy picks her up throws her in the water and says "there now yu're "f"ed.. lol.. ii think its funny..
Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.
Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."
2 cows are standing in the paddock.
The first cow says to the second, "Are you afraid of getting this Mad Cow Disease?"
Second one says, "No, I'm a duck."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Sl ut!" he said, and dropped her.
While walking outside, three guys come across some tracks. The first guy says that they are rabbit tracks. The second guy disagrees and says they are dog tracks, and the third guy says they are deer tracks.
Then a train hit them...
Men & Women: The Difference!
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
The Man Dictionary
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST
THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the
corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the
corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
I will find you , take you to bed, and have my way with you. You will moan, groan, and beg me to stop. I'll exhaust you and leave you worn out! Who am I?
The FLu!
Btw the guy with that jew and the oven was VERY RUDE. YOU DO NOT JOKE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST. You should be put in a oven and we'll see if you scream or not.
Hope you like mine:
It was a pregnant woman and her son.
The little boy asked his mom, "what is that in your stomach"?
She replied," oh, its just air dont worry".
The day came, and she had the baby. The family came to meet the baby and the little boy said, " hello fart"!
Why did the squirrel cross the word??
To show his girlfriend he has NUTS!
LOL... Get it?! Nuts!!!
(gets me every time!)