Funny clean jokes anyone?!
Question: I just started drama and for homework we have to think of a funny, clean joke to tell to the class.
Conditions:
1. It cannot offend anyone (blondes, religion, race)
2. It has to be a story joke, not just like "why did the chicken cross the road?"
I want it to be funny too so the class doesn't just blankly stare at me. ^-^
Also, you can name a blonde joke and i'll just change it so its not offending a blonde.
Thanks!!!
Answers: I just started drama and for homework we have to think of a funny, clean joke to tell to the class.
Conditions:
1. It cannot offend anyone (blondes, religion, race)
2. It has to be a story joke, not just like "why did the chicken cross the road?"
I want it to be funny too so the class doesn't just blankly stare at me. ^-^
Also, you can name a blonde joke and i'll just change it so its not offending a blonde.
Thanks!!!
i've been gathering all of these for a long time to send in a big email. srry about the blonde ones, but you said that you could change the name. srry to anyone that has posted any of these earlier, i don't remember that many names to put in sources. ok here they are!
i don't know if this next one seems offensive to you, if so then srry. her is is:
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
this is one of my favs.
a police officer was driving down highway 12 when he saw a car that was going very very slow. he pulled it over and saw that there were two people in it. the driver-a blonde women- and the passenger-her date. the driver was perfectly calm but the passenger was all white and had his fingernails dug into the dashboard. the police officer asked the driver why she was going only 12mph in a 45mph highway. she said that she saw a sign that said 12 on it so she went 12mph. the police officer told her that this was highway twelve and that she should be going 45mph. they were about to drive awqay
when the police officer asked why the driver's date looked so scared. she replied: "i don't know,he's been like this ever since we got of of highway 200".
this was actualy from a scary strory book and someone told it to me.
one night there was a baby sitter baby sitting three children. it was about 7 o'clock and the parents wouldn't be home for another 3 hours. she herd the phone ring.when she answered it she herd a male voice say "i am da viper i vill be dere soon" then he hung up. she thought that was weird and then went and watched TV. she herd the phone ring and when she answered it she herd "i am da viper i vill be dere soon". she was getting creeped out now but she went back to the tv. a few minutes later she herd the phone ring and when she answered it she herd a male voice say "i am da viper i vill be dere soon". she was very scared now so she called the police. a few minutes later she herd a knock on the door. she answered it and saw a short man that said "i am da viper, i have come to vipe your vindows".
i found this one on y! answers a while ago.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
p.s. i think the hair colour "blond" and the joke "blonde"
are spelled different, so i don't think it's actualy talking about someone with yellowish hair. hope your class likes them!
Smells like tuna smelsl like chiken, shut ur mouth and get to lickin, hahahah
two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
wait for it
and poof!
sorry but this might affend asian people. but the joke is... how do you blind fold an asian person?..... you use dental floss.
Two muffins are in an oven and one muffin says "wow it is getting hot in here" and the other muffin says "WHOA A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Not gonna lie...probably gonna give you blank stares :P
these 3 guys are traveling thru the woods and they stumble across the garden of Eden. they ask for permission and the guardian says "first go out and pick a fruit and bring it back to me" so they go out and the first guy comes back with an apple. the guardian says u must shove the fruit up ur butt without laughing or saying ouch. so he starts of poorly and says ouch. the second guy comes back with a grape and he does the same thing, but he laughs and falls over dead.
while their 2 spirits are rising to heaven, the first one says "dude!, u coulda made it, u had a GRAPE, and i had an apple" the second guy says" i was going REALLY good, but then i saw our other friend coming over the hill with a WATERMELON!
what did the fat crack dealer say to the heroin addited prostitute
nice pants *****
well this was originally a blonde joke but you can change it to just "a girl".
"A girl" got up one day and decided "This is the day I'll learn to ride a horse!" So she went out, bought riding clothes, and found her horse. She got on and the horse immediately started running really fast. She thought it was fun at first but then she slid off her horse. She thought she'd be okay and just fall but her foot got stuck in the saddle so her head kept hitting the ground and she was getting really hurt. She just couldn't get off the horse! Finally the Wal Mart greeter comes out to help her. =)
A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
-What did a baby mouse told mommy mouse when they saw a bat? Look mommy!! An angel!!!!!!!!!
But... you could also look at... http://www.ewsonline.com/jokes/clean.htm...
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any duck food?"
The bartender replies "Of course not, we're a bar".
The next day the duck comes in and asks the bartender again "Do you have any duck food?".
The bartender is a little agitated. He says "No. I told you yesterday that we don't have any duck food".
The duck comes back in the next day and again asks for duck food.
Now the bartender is furious and says "IF YOU ASK FOR DUCK FOOD AGAIN, I'll NAIL YOUR LITTLE WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
The duck comes in again the next day and asks the bartender "Do you have any nails"
The bartender says "No". Then the duck says "Do you have any duck food?"
ANNUAL SUPERBOWL JOKE
During the game, a man turns to the lady on his left and says, "You and I are sitting next to the only empty seat in the whole stadium and these seats are being scalped at a minimum of $4,000 a pop!" The lady replies, "Yes, it was my late husband's seat." The man offers condolences and says, "But I would have thought that a friend or a relative would have wanted to make use of it." "Yes," says the lady, "I would have thought so, too ... but they all insisted on going to the funeral."
How is that 4 ya? Im not sure if it's offensive. I don't it is it's just a joke about superbowl!
The USS. Trenton was anchored off the Somali coast. The daily routine of transporting Marines and their cargo to and from shore, was disrupted by a visit from an admiral.
A sailor named Sam Rickabaugh was in charge of the 30-by-50-foot American flag. After the admiral gave his speech and left, the flag was to be lowered. Sam had folded our national flag many times, but never one of this immense size. Fortunately, a group of Marines nearby was quick to jump in and help. One of them, a young man named Ramirez, immediately took charge, showing great pride with every meticulous fold.
"Where did you master the art of folding a flag this size?" Sam asked. "Have you served on a special flag detail?"
"Actually," said Ramirez, grinning, "I learned this while working at McDonald's."
Cecilio went to work and said to his boss
"I know everyone in the world!!"
"No you don't, prove it!"
"Okay pick someone and I'll show you i know them"
"Okay, um, Nicholas Cage"
"I know him, i grew up with him!!!!!!!!!"
So they both went to Nicholas Cage's house and when Cecilio and Nicholas spent thirty minutes catching up.
"So, you know Nicholas Cage, so what, i bet you dint know....... THE POPE!!!!"
"Of course i know the Pope!!!!!! I went to the same church as him!!!!"
"We'll see"
So they went to se the Pope
"We'll never get through the crowd!!!
"Okay I'll go up and wave to you from the balcony up there with the Pope"
"Ok"
After Cecilio went up there with the Pope he came back down to see his boss passed out on the ground.
"Boss what happened!!!!!"
"Ok i believe you!!!!!!! Its one thing to know Nicholas Cage and the Pope. But when someone comes up to you and asks who that person standing beside Cecilio is, that's just too much!!!"
It may not be funny to you...so sorry
ok, one day this little boy in the first grade was raising his hand to present his wonderful project, when all of a sudden he had to use the bathroom, so he asked to use the bathroom instead. His teacher said that he had to present first befor he went so he did just that. while presenting his project on the alphabet..(a is for apple, b is for banana etc.) the little boy recited letters A-O then Q-Z, skipping P. the teacher asked wheres P, and the young boy said...it's dripping down my leg.
I also have a riddle if your allowed to do a riddle:
Ok, your trapped in a cave with no ways out at all. trapped with are a table and a mirror. how do you escape
answer: You look in the mirror, and you saw what you saw
you take the saw and cut the table in half
To halfs make a whole and you crawl through
the hole
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don''t know."
A really lonely guy gets a pet centipede for company. He makes a little house out of a small box and the centpede lives there. one evening the guy decides to to the local pub for a beer and thinks he,ll ask his buddy,the centipede to go too.
He knocks on the door of the little house and says."i,m going for a pint,wanna come?" No answer from the house, so he tries again, " d,ya wanna come up the pub for a beer with me?" Still no reply, so he shouts really loudly " I,m going for a pint would you like to come? ' And a tiny little voice from inside the house says " I heard you the first time. Im putting my bloody shoes on!!"
"Another one....A middleaged man moves to a new town and joins the local Rotary club. as part of his initiation he is asked to give a short speech on a topic of his choice. The day arrives when he must give h is speech and he has nothing ready so after a few drinks he ad-libs a speech on the subject of sex, which has everyone in stitches, laughing.
He goes home and his very prim and proper wife asks what his speech was about.Quick as a flash he lies,"er sailing my dear". She,s a little puzzled but accepts his explanation.
Weeks later at the clubs garden party the chairman meets the man and his wife and says to her,"your husbands speech was the best we,ve heard in years,everybody loved it.
She replies, "I can,t think why he chose that topic, he,s only tried it twice in his life.The first time he was violently ill, and the second time his hat blew off!"
a foren man named bob is interviewed for a job a at potato store when he walks in the manager says her is ur test he puts bob behind the register and says what do u sell her bob says i don't know the manager says when i come back say potatoes bob says ok and the manager comes back and asks what do u sell here bob says potatoes the manager asks are they fresh bob says i don't know the manager says when i come back say yes,yes very fresh bob says ok the manager comes back and asks what do u sell here bob says potatoes the manager asks are they fresh bob says yes,yes very fresh the manager asks can i buy some bob says i don't know the manager says when i come back say if u don't some body el's will bob says ok the manager comes back and asks what do u sell here bob says potatoes the manager asks are they fresh bob says yes,yes very fresh the manager asks can i buy some bob says if u don't somebody el's will so the manager says ok u got the night shift bob comes back and a robber comes in and asks wheres the register bob says potatoes the robber asks are u getting fresh with me bob says yes,yes very fresh the robber pulls out a gun and points it at bob and asks do u want me to kill u bob replies if u don't somebody els will
Britney Spears joke? britney spears gt hit by a train,,,,what did she say?
hit me baby one more time!
remember when peter from family guy went to
the doctor for a stupid test
trust me i used it today and everyone at p.e. laughed
A termite walks into a bar and ask, "hey, is your bartender here?"
(bar-tender)
Two ropes walk into a bar and go to the bartender asking for two beers. With attitude, the bartender says, "Ummm... we don't serve ropes here."
They leave and go to three other bars getting the same response. As the walk out of the fourth bar, they look at each other and say, "WHY WON'T ANYONE SERVE US??"
A man standing near them says, "Psst... come here!"
So the two ropes waddle over and the guy goes, "you ropes trying to get some beers? I can disguise you."
The man ties the ropes together and tells them to go try and get a beer. So, they walk into the bar and go to the bartender.\
"Yes, can I have a beer?"
"....Are you a rope?" He asked.
"No, i'm afraid not."
(frayed-knot)
Did you hear about that kidnapping in (name of town next to yours)?? Everyone was freaking out until he woke up.
Did you hear about the energizer bunny? He made headline news this weekend... he went to jail. He was charged with battery.
Why does ellen degeneres shop at EMS?
Becuase she hate's Dicks.
Did you hear about ellen degeneres? It's horrible... she drowned. They found her face first in Ricky Lake.
Why can't leopards play hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted!
Some are appropriate, others to make you laugh. Have fun with it!
drama is so fun!!!!!!! here's the joke. (My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said,
"I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does.") or a different one like this. (This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts,
But Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!")
have you ever seen the movie constipated
no
cuz it never came out
Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?
Yep… It runs in the jeans
corny, i know
Unnatural Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."
"I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."
The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."
Hand-Me-Down
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
An american soldier was travelling on a train and the only seat left was next to a French lady and was currently occupied by her Miniature Poodle.
"Maam", he asked, "Do you think I could sit there?"
"Of all the rudeness", replied the French Lady. "Can't you see that my precious Fifi is sitting there?"
So the American walked all over the train and found that the only seat left was the one next to the French lady.
"Maam", he asked, exhaustion evident in his features. "Can I please sit there?"
The French lady exclaimed, "You Americans are not only extremely rude but also arrogant, If you don't go away, I'll call the guard."
To screams of protest from the French lady, the American grabs her dog, throws it out the window and sits in the seat.
"I say old chap", the English soldier opposite stated, "you Americans have a habit of doing everything the wrong way round. First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you eat with the knife and fork in the wrong hands, now you've gone and thrown the wrong b!tch off the train."
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and
Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly
father, Pop Tart.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry
Jack,
The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on
half-baked
schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man,
was
considered a roll model for millions.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
This is the one.....
Once there was an Indian chief that had a major problem.
The problem was he could not toot.
So, he sent his top brave to the wise man of the village to find a solution for his problem.
The brave entered the wise man's tepee and said "Big chief, no toot!"
So, the wise man gave him a bowl of chili to give to the chief and told him to get the chief to eat this and it was sure to solve the problem.
The next day the brave went back to the wise man and said, "Big chief no toot!"
So, he took two huge bowls of chili and told the brave to get the chief to eat it.
The next day the brave again returned to the wise man's tepee. Again he said, "Big chief, no toot!"
The wise man looked puzzled.....
He got a whole pot of chili and gave it to the brave to give to the chief. And said, "Ah, this will do it!"
The next day, the brave returned to the wise man's tepee with a troubled look on his face and said to the wise man...
"Big toot, no chief!"
what is the difference between a dead baby and a cadalack...i dont have a cadalack in my garage