Make me laugh.?!
Question: The Human Resources director in my office really irritated me, and now I'm in a bad mood, and I don't like bad moods.
Tell a joke that will cheer me up!
Answers: The Human Resources director in my office really irritated me, and now I'm in a bad mood, and I don't like bad moods.
Tell a joke that will cheer me up!
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
no, i'm mad 2 and can't think of one..
ok here is a good one
A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.
The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, "Hey, I bet I know something that all of you don't know. I know all of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb."
The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, "Ok, what's the capital of Texas?"
The blonde smugly replied, "T."
and here is another one
There was three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there was only two parachutes.
The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out.
The president looked at the little girl and said, "I've led a good long life, and you're just starting yours. You take the last parachute."
And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, there is one for both of us. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."
and one more
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
i hope i made you laugh!
Just look at him and picture him naked...that should make you laugh.
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five bloody times!"
whats the difference between a rooster and Paris Hilton. a rooster says cack-a-doodle dooo and Paris says any cack will do
Office Dares
Things to keep you occupied at the office while you avoid work!
ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player'
must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that,
I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number
two".
5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch
for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants
and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each
biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,
move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane acts
you can use anywhere...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go."
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds
all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this
week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, Run
for your lives, they're loose!"
What do a priest and a Xmas tree have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you've got a good hand you don't need a partner.
a man was going to go on a business trip for awhile but he didnt want his beautiful wife to be lonely. So he decided to go to the local porn shop and buy her a vibrator. He went in and looked at all the vibrators. He asked the owner if there were and really special or unique ones that were for sell. The owner looked at him for awhile. Then he reached under the counter and pulled out a green box. The owner looked the man in the eye and said this is a magic vibrator, its called the little green guy. There is only one. But it is also the best in the world, anyone that uses it will most definately be satisfied. The owner told him you activate it buy saying "little green guy my and where ever you want it to ****, it will ****. The owner also says to turn it off you must say "little green guy go home" The guy grins and pays a large amount of money for it. He brings it home to his wife who is at first a little repulsed with the idea, but thanks him anyways. After about two days after her husband left, the wife begins to get a little horny and so she brings out the magic vibrator. She then says the magic words "little green guy my *****" and sure enough the magic vibrator jumps up and starts slamming her until she has the best orgasm of her life. She then says "little green guy go home" and sure enough, the magic vibrator stopped ******* her and went back to its box. The lady decides to go to the store and she takes the vibrator with her. While on the road she gets excited and says "little green guy my *****" and again it jumped out of its box and started to **** the woman, this time it was extremely intense for her. So intense she started swerving on the road, she tried to tell it to stop but couldn't remember the words. Finally a cop pulls her over and she remembers the words and tells the magic vibrator to go home before the cop gets to her window. The cop asks her to roll down her window and then asks "what the hell were you doin?? are you drunk?!" the woman replied "please officer, you gotta believe me, my husband bought me this magic vibrator named the little green guy and it wouldnt stop ******* me so i couldnt drive right, please offic-
the officer cut her off and laughed "HA! thats the best lie i've heard!! HAHA LITTLE GREEN GUY MY ***.....
hoped that cheered you up
an immigrant from Beijing came to New York to find his long lost child. He stayed in his new apartment, trying to see if he recognized some english on television.
first he wanted to watch TV Land.
It was an old western movie. the cowboy said, "I can do whatever I want in this town. Back off, bub." The Chinese man kept that in his mind as something good.
now he watched MTV.
It was the "Soulja Boy Tell'Em" music video. The video said, "Superman, ah oh!" the chinese man nodded and kept that in his mind.
he turned up the television volume up high now as a glade ad came on advertising electric air freshners.
"PLUG IT IN, PLUG IT IN!" the woman sang.
suddenly the nyc police stormed in.
"there have been numerous noise complaints! turn the sound down!" a cop said.
"I can do whatever I want in this town! Back off, bub." the man said. He was impressed at how great he said it and smiled.
"And who do you think YOU are, sir?" the cop was getting annoyed.
"Superman, ah oh!" the man said. the cop was not pleased.
"would you like some time in the electric chair?" the cop yelled.
"plug it in, plug it in!" the chinese man sang.
another one (kinda sick):
one man walked into a fancy hotel. he asked for a room.
"sir, the only room available is the haunted room!!!!" the bellboy said. "do you want to go to the hotel across the street or risk your life?"
"thats ok i'll take it. i dont believe in ghosts!" the man said anyway.
just as the brave man put his tie on his bed, he heard a voice..."i'm gonna get u, im gonna EAT you!"
he ran out.
a woman went into the haunted room. just as she came back from smoking on the deck, she heard the voice..."i'm gonna get u, i'm gonna EAT you!"
she screamed and ran.
a little girl came in looking for her mother. when she came in from looking in the closet, she heard the same words. curiously, she followed it to the bathroom. inside, leaning in the corner was her brother, picking his nose.
"im gonna get you, i'm gonna EAT you!"