Jokes????????????!
Question: what are sum funny jokes?
Answers: what are sum funny jokes?
I have 5 good blonde jokes. (NO OFFENSE TO ANY BLONDES!)
1. There is a blonde, brunette, and a red head, and they are robbing a bank. Well the cops are coming so they are going to disguise their selves. The cops look for the brunette, and she is dressed up as a dog and says, "Woof, woof!" and the cops don't find her. The cops look for the red head, and she is dressed up as a cat and says, "Meow, meow!" and the cops don't find her. The cops look for the blonde, and she is dressed up as a potatoe and says, "Potatoe, potatoe!" and the cops get her!
2. There is a blonde, a brunette and a red head, and they are being murdered. The first murderer points a gun to the brunette's head and asks if she has any last words and she says, "TORNADO!" and the first murderer runs away. The second murderer points a gun to the red head's head and asks if she has any last words and she says, "TWISTER!" and the second murderer runs away. The third murderer points a gun to the blonde's head and asks if she has any last words and she says, "FIRE!" and the murderer says, "OK!" and shoots her.
3. A blonde wants to prove to her husband that not all blondes are dumb, and declairs that she will paint the living room while her husband is at works. So her husband leaves for work, and when he returns he finds his wife passed on the living room floor with 2 heavy, fur, winter jackets on! He runs over to his wife and says, "Honey, are you OK? Why are you wearing those coats?" and she wakes up and says, "The bottle said for best results to put on 2 coats!"
4. A blonde is walking around a suburb in which a lot of wealthy people lived, looking to earn some extra money. She walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. A man answers the door and says, "Hello, may I help you?" She replies, "No, may I help you? I am looking for some jobs to do to earn some extra cash, sir, is there anything I can do?". The man asks his wife and then says, "You can paint our porch while we go to the store, and I will pay you when we get back." So the rich man and his wife return and the man asks the blonde if she had any trouble painting the porch. The blonde says, "No, but sir, that's not a Porsch, it's a Ferrari!"
5. A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are trying out for a play. They need to get there selves into character, so the brunette slaps her face and does it correctly (slapping you face with your right hand and turning your face to the right), the red head does the same. But the blonde slaps her face with her right hand and turns her face in the opposite direction. (That joke is funnier in person!)
Hope you find these funny!
*Cammi*
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'
'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
A pastor and a priest from a local church were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
The End Is Near
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before It's Too Late
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you Religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The priest turned to the pastor and said, "Do you think the sign should just say Bridge Out?"
A blonde, brunette, and red-head are stranded on an island. The nearest port is 100 miles away. The red-head swims 20 miles and drowns. The brunette swins 30 miles and drowns. The blonde swims 99.9 miles, gets tires and turns back.
Here are some funny ones:
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food. You can't do that!" The panda yells back, "Yes I can, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Hope you like 'em :)
I'M Holding Somefin
A teacher was playing a game with her class. She said "I'm holding something behind my back. It's red and you can eat it."
A little boy puts his hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a tomato?"
"No," replied the teacher, "It's an apple, but it shows you're thinking!"
She continued, "I'm now holding something behind my back. It's yellow and you can eat it."
A little girl puts her hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a banana?"
"No," replied the teacher, "It's a lemon, but it shows you're thinking!"
Just then, little Johnny at the back, giggling putt's his hand up and says, " 'ere Miss, I got one for ya! I'm holding somefin' under the table. It's straight and 'ard, two inches long and got a round red bit at the end!"
The teacher says, "Johnny, don't be so vulgar!"
Johnny says, "It's a match Miss, but it shows you're thinking!"
How many jackasses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes everybody to unscrew it again.
Here are yo momma jokes;
- yo momma is so fat when he got in a monster truck he made it look like a low-rider
- yo momma is so stupid, she studied for a blood test
- yo momma is so poor, she thought a quarterback was a refund
- Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
- Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning
- Yo momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown
- Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put, "OK"
- Yo momma so stupid she asked you, "What is the number for 911?"
- Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out
- Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
- Yo momma so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus
- Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale
2 men were walking through the forest when 1 had to go behind the tree. A cry is heard and the guy who went behind the tree says, "I was peeing when a snake bit me on the penis."
His friend immediately called the poisons hotline on his mobile and explained that his friend was bitten by a snake and asked for advice on what to do.
The lady on the other end told him that if he didn't suck the poison out, his friend would die.
The man turns to his friend and says, "Frank, I'm sorry but I have bad news for you."