I need to hear some funny ****...?!


Question: who has a good joke, i need to get happy!! even a funny story?? embarrasing moments... anything that brings laughter!!


Answers: who has a good joke, i need to get happy!! even a funny story?? embarrasing moments... anything that brings laughter!!

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want. And I don't expect any hassle from you. I except a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules... Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, thats fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... Whether you're here or not."

______________________________________...


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here lies my wife - Cold as ever'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here lies my husband - Stiff at last!'"

______________________________________...

A husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says "Well you are no good in bed!" and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and gives her a call.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

______________________________________...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, he stats calling his wife, 'Mother of six' in spite of her objections.

One night they go out to party. The man decides that is it time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated but her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, "Any time you're ready, Father of four!"

______________________________________...

And last but not least...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realizes that the next day he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00am for an early business flight.
Not wanting to be the first person to break the silence [and lose], he wrote on a piece of paper, 'please wake me up at 5:00am.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was past 9:00am and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It's 5:00am. Wake up."

I hope these brighten your day. I have some other great ones if you would like.

Ever heard of the anal optic nerve. Its the nerve that connects your anus to your eyes.

Dont beleive me pull a hair out of your *** and see if it dont bring a tear to your eye....

3 boys found and lamp and naturally rubbed it
POOF a genie appears and grants 1 wish each
1st boy say I want to be really smart
................POOF done

2nd boys says I want to be smarter than him
..................POOF done

and the third boys says I want to be smarter than both of them


..................................POOF




He turns into a girl....... : )

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."



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