Jokes to cheer me up?!
Question: i'm kind of down... does anyone know any good jokes? (nothing inappropriate)
thanks :)
Answers: i'm kind of down... does anyone know any good jokes? (nothing inappropriate)
thanks :)
Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1 said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde #2 replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"
what do micheal jackson and caviare have in common?
they both come on little white crackers
what do micheal jackson and mcdonalds have in common?
they both put their meat between 5 year old buns
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'
The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'
'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
but anyways if anyone wants to chat go to my profile nad email ok bye thx!
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
So there are these three women, A blond, a brunette, and a red head. They come upon the garden of eden. If you tell a lie before the gates you disappear forever. The brunette walks up and says I think I'm fat and she disappears. The red head walks up and says I think I'm skinny and she disappears. The blond walks up and sayd I think... and she disappears.
There are these three women, A blond, a brunette, and a red head. They are running from the law and decide to hide in a patato factory. The cop comes in and starts to look around the potato sacks. the brunette says meow! and the cop says oh it's just a cat and keeps goinig. The red head sayd woof woof! and he says oh it's just a dog. Then he comes to the last sack and the bonde yells POTATO! and she gets arrested
When Chuck norris jumps in the ocean he doesn't get wet the ocean gets chuck norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't "keep it real." Reality keeps itself Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's motto is "***-kickin' good." KFC tried to sue him, but he broke their copyright in half with one kung-fu grip. To this day, all KFC's will cross the street when they see Chuck Norris.
You know why it's the Golden Arches and not the Gold Rainbow? Chuck Norris.
Even Chuck Norris jokes are scared of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not allowed to sit in the side aisles on airplanes. His body is so dense, the plane is thrown off balance.
Chuck Norris seldom flies anymore. His entire body is on the "restricted items" list.
When Chuck Norris was a baby and couldn't roundhouse kick, he killed people with his beard.
Chuck Norris isn't allowed in vegas anymore. He always hits on 21 and gets blackjack. He also kills anyone he sees playing baccarat, because baccarat is for wusses like James Bond.
Chuck Norris loves ballet, especially when it's down and bloody and oozing through his fingers.
Everyone thinks Chuck Norris cured cancer, aids, and hunger. They're wrong. He _killed_ them, not _cured_ them.
Chuck Norris' favorite movie is E.T. because he wants to break his personal record of breaking someone's neck in 18 places with one roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris' favorite song is one that wasn't written by somebody he's killed, which leaves "The ABC song."
Chuck Norris doesn't bother with sticks when he makes a fire. He just stares at it. He also doesn't use fire for barbecues. He just roundhouse kicks the cow until it's medium rare.
A1 steak sauce is not "that important" to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris went to China once but they only eat rice. Chuck Norris doesn't eat rice. So, he roundhouse kicked himself to Australia's Outback Steak house.
Chuck Norris once jumped off the Empire State building. That's why New York is an island today.
Carrot Top was once roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Pretty obvious, isn't it?
God said let there be light Chuck Norris said say please!
God decided to create the universe then Chuck Norris came out of a dark corner out of no where and said too bad I thought of it first.
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in heaven and they're trying to decide who sits next to God. Vin Diesel said I should be the one because I'm the most fit, Arnold said he should since he is the Governor of California, Then Chuck Norris turned to God and said God get out of my chair!
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
And did you know Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer? Too bad he never cries
Chuck Norris Has Counted to infinity. twice
How is that for jokes
Are blonde jokes innapropriate? Well, anyway,
A blonde goes into an appliance store, likes a TV and says to the salesperson, "I want to buy that TV", the sales person says "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". So she goes home and dyes her hair brown, goes back the next day and says "I want to buy that TV" the salesperson says again "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" so again she goes home and dyes her hair black and goes back the next day and says: "I want to buy that TV" and the salesperson says "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," and she say "well, how do you know I'm blonde?" and the salesperson says "Thats not a TV, its a microwave"
The following is a report all about what men know about women:
End of report.
there was 3 guys.guy 1-2-3. ok so they find this magical lamp and then a gini came out and said that they can only get 1 wish. so guy 1 walked near the clift and tripped over a rock and remember that he has 1 wish so he said bird and flew away. then guy 2 tripped over the same rock and said fish and jumped in the water and swam away. then guy 3 tripped over the rock, and said ****. and became ****.
not funny?or funny?
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb!
Why did the blonde buy furry panties? To keep her ankles warm.