One liners!! be warned some may offend?!


Question: Paddy and Mick are in a 2 man plane that is spiralling out of control.
Mick says "If the plane capsizes dya think we'll fall out?"
"Of course not", Paddy replies, "We've been mates for years!"

A friend of mine asked if i would like to wind her baby.
I thought that’s a bit harsh so i just gave it a dead leg!

Why don’t 70 year old women have smear tests? Have you ever pulled apart a cheese toastie?

Why are women like prawns?
Their heads are full of **** but the pink bits taste great.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn't cheat. I just misunderstood what the crap table was for.

What do you call an aardvark that has just been beaten up?
A vark.

A recent newspaper report said that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool regularly indulged in binge drinking.
That's absolutely shocking - who's looking after their kids?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.

What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner "Have you got any dogs going cheap?" to which the owner replies "No but we do have some budgies".

Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforeseen events.


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please, I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.


Answers: Paddy and Mick are in a 2 man plane that is spiralling out of control.
Mick says "If the plane capsizes dya think we'll fall out?"
"Of course not", Paddy replies, "We've been mates for years!"

A friend of mine asked if i would like to wind her baby.
I thought that’s a bit harsh so i just gave it a dead leg!

Why don’t 70 year old women have smear tests? Have you ever pulled apart a cheese toastie?

Why are women like prawns?
Their heads are full of **** but the pink bits taste great.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn't cheat. I just misunderstood what the crap table was for.

What do you call an aardvark that has just been beaten up?
A vark.

A recent newspaper report said that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool regularly indulged in binge drinking.
That's absolutely shocking - who's looking after their kids?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.

What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner "Have you got any dogs going cheap?" to which the owner replies "No but we do have some budgies".

Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforeseen events.


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please, I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I've got a friend who's nickname is Shagger. Now, you might think that's pretty cool.

She doesn't like it.

*******

My friend came round the other day, she's six months pregnant. She said 'would you like to feel the baby?'

...

On reflection, I think she meant from the OUTSIDE.

*******

Ooooooh....thats disgusting.

*sniggers*

i liked the one about the 14 yr old kids in liverpool :p

"A recent newspaper report said that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool regularly indulged in binge drinking.
That's absolutely shocking - who's looking after their kids?"


utter genuis!

...and the rest aren't bad either

cheer's Peter, you put a smile on my face

We live in the peak district, where.......... Sheep Drive Carefully!

I thought the smear test one, a bit tasty

Hahahahaha loved the liverpool one :)

Very good. Some old, some new. Gave me a good laugh anyway. Nice one brother, I said nice one brother!!!!

Good man peter ill try and remember some of these for the lads tonight.

hahahaha thanks! they made me laugh!

liverpool rocks!!!

lol some are funny some not but make me smile

Fecken disgraceful, nowhere near enough of them! 10/10

Just what I need after an awful day at work!!

All gems!!! keep'em coming Peter

well said mate there damm good

ha ha ha funny
thanks for a laugh



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