10 points for the joke that makes me laugh the most?!


Question: A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation and said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got
there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top


Answers: A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation and said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got
there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

why did al gore want his nipple pierced?
because george bush had a Dick cheney.
haha ok i have a weird sense of humor.

Q. When do u know its bed time in Michael Jacksons house?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand

Whats white and stands in the corner?
A naughty fridge

What goes 'ooooooooooooooooooo'?
A cow with no lips

A hard looking but devout biker was riding along a Queensland beach when

suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord
said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over anytime I want Lord." The Lord said, "Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make that woman truly
happy."



The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Two women on their way home after a night out, stop in the graveyard for a pee. One wipes herself with her underwear and the other uses a wreath. Their two husbands were in the pub the next day, one says " i'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers on" the other man says "that's **** all, mine had a card wedged in her **** saying we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station"

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

there was one time a kid named pepe,his father ask:pepe give a kiss to the one that give you life,pepe says:no!!!! IT WOULD BE BETTER IN THE forehead. GET IT?

LOTTICA you stole my joke!!!!! that's on my priflie....grrrrrr

anyway...
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!


A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

so these 3 guys were walking through the desert and they came across this house. they had been lost for some time and were hungry and tired. so the first guy went up to the house and knocked on the door. the uglyst woman he had ever seen answerd it. now, she was really disgusting and had puss filled boyles all over her body. He asked if him and his buddys could have some water. she thought about it for a second and said only if you have sex with me. he took one look and ran away. the second guy went up and just looked at her and ran back. the third guy went up to the door knowing that he had to get some water or him and his buddys would die. so he went up to her and asked can my buddys have some water? she said only if you have sex with me. so he said ok. she brought him into the house, stripped down, and went spread eagle on the floor. He looked around real quickly and saw 3 peices of corn on the table. He grabbed one and shoved it up there. when she was satisfied he threw it out the window. she said mmmm that was wonderfull. If you do it again I'll give you a jeep full of gas to get out of the desert. So he did it agian. when she was completle happy he threw the second peice of corn out the window. Then the old hag said if you do that again, I will give you a million dollors. The man couldn't turn this down so he took the third peice of corn, shoved it up there and had his way. She said mmmmmmmm so good. all of your things are outside. Good bye!!!! so the guy walked outside and looked for his buddys. he finnally found them by the window. the buddys looked up said omg you just missed the 3 best peices of buttered corn ever!!!!!!!

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

Here's 2:
*A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"


AND

There is a young girl in sunday school and her teacher wants to ask her 3 questions.
1. her teacher asked her "who created the earth we live on"
a boy pokes with a pencil and she yells "god almighty". the teachers says "thats right"

2.The next question that the teacher asks her who died on the cross for our sins? the boy pokes her again and she yell "jesus christ". her teacher says "that right"

3. the last question is. "What did eve says to adam when they were makin babies. the boy pokes her agian and she yells "i swear to god if u poke me with that thing one more time i will break it in half"

hope u like them

Ok, so this man was going to go on a fishing trip with his buddies and he called his wife to tell her. He said, " Honey, I am going to go on a fishing trip with my buddies and I want you to pack my new pj's." So when the man got back from his fishing trip he said, " You didn't pack my new pj's!!" She said," Yes I did, I put them in your tackel box!"

Gay suffering




Suffering from a bad case of haemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.

All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.

"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."

I found a better one than what I had

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Mummy, mummy jokes.....

m,m what's for dinner?...shut up and get back in the oven

m,m what's a lesbian?....ask your father...she'll know.

m,m what's a vampire?...shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

m,m I hate daddy's guts....well leave him on the side of your plate.

m,m my mouth is bleeding...shut up kuntface.

m,m why do I keep turning round and round? shut up or I'll nail the other foot to the floor.

One day Kelvin's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kelvin returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, 'Son why are you late from school?'

Kelvin answered, 'Dad, we had extra classes today'. Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kelvin on his face.

His dad told him, 'Son this robot is special in that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.

Why are you late?'
'Dad, I went to a movie'
'Which movie?'
'The Ten Commandments'
Immediately, Kelvin got a slap on the face from the robot.
'Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen'.

'Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved' Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing the last sentence, Kelvin's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, 'After all he is your son!!!'

To which the robot steps up and gives Kelvin's mother a resounding slap too on her face!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dZCQgmZe...

This should do the trick. Ilaugh every time I see this.

In texas they got their first snow in a while. So there is crashes all along the interstate. 2 guys come across a crash secne. There are 3 guys in a ditch and a guy on the shoulder of the road. the first guy asked with a stong texas accent, "where do you think he is?" and pointed to the guy in the ditch. The second guy replied " a ditch" Then the first guy writes that down. D-I-T-C-H. Then he ponits in the ditch again and asks "Where do u think he is?" the second guy replied "a ditch." The first guy writes that down, D-I-T-C-H. Then the first guy askes, "where do you think he is?" and ponits to the last guy in the ditch. "where do u think he is?" "a ditch" D-I-T-C-H. Then they go to the guy on the shoulder. "Where do u think he is?" "On the shoulder" The first guy writes that down. s-o no no, s-h-u, nono, here take this. The first guy picks up the guy on the road and throws him a ditch. "a ditch" says the first guy"d-i-t-c-h"

There are three couples stood at the gates of heaven waiting to see if they can get in. SuddenlySaint Peter appears and the first couple walk up to him. He looks on his clip board and says to the husband "You are so obsessed with money, you've never given anyone else money in your life. You even married a woman named Penny! You shall go to hell ! " Then POOF the couple disappear and are sent to hell.
St Peter turns to the second couple and says to the husband " You are so mean you have never helped anyone in your life. All you cared about was your garden. Gardening, gardening, gardening all your life! You even married a woman called Daisy! You shall go to hell aswell" Then POOF The second couple is sent to hell.
The 3rd couple watch worriedly. The husband puts his arm around his wife and says "C'mon Fanny lets go!"

did you hear what happened to the man who got his viagra tablets mixed up with his sleeping tablets?he ended up having fourty wanks

No Speaka de English?

A bus stops and 2 Irish men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation that seems to be English.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den Oi come. Den two asses come together. Oi come once a more! Two asses, they come together again. Oi come again and pee twice. Then Oi come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. We don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? Oi 'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?



Because she didn't have any arms!

Hahahaa. That still makes me laugh.

George Bush had to call an exterminator- there's a beaver and a coon trying to get into the white house.



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