Can someone tell me a funny joke? Best answer for the funniest joke?!
Question: here goes,
there is a nun in a bath quite enjoying herself, then she hears a knock at the door, she searches round frantically and cant find a towel so she asks,"who is it" the voice replies "blind man" so she thinks OK he cant see me i will see what he wants. when she opens the door the man says "nice ti#ts lady where do you want your blind"
Answers: here goes,
there is a nun in a bath quite enjoying herself, then she hears a knock at the door, she searches round frantically and cant find a towel so she asks,"who is it" the voice replies "blind man" so she thinks OK he cant see me i will see what he wants. when she opens the door the man says "nice ti#ts lady where do you want your blind"
why did the chicken cross the road?
come on you know the answer.
What would you eat on bread but not on pu$$y?
Crust.
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.’’
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. ‘Oh my goodness!’ thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
ok...this is a video game joke...
Jake & Nick were playing Super Smash Bros. Melee when their father came & said...can I play?
Jake says " sure i cant beat event 27 it's too hard"
so the boys go & buy an XBOX 360 & Halo 3...after they bought the game stuff they see their dad & he says " what...why are you buying this game...I thought you loved Super Smash Bros. " well " says Nick, " we bought Halo 3 "
"Halo?!" yells the dad, "what the hell is Halo 3?" What do the kids say?
i am not really talking about moma
yo mama is so fat she got hit by a bus and she said who threw that rock
yo mama hair is so short she can't even roll her hair with rice
A pirate walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants. The bartender hollers over to him "Hey, Mr. Pirate, did you know you have a STEERING WHEEL sticking out of your pants?
The pirate says "AAAARRRRRRRRR...." It's driving
me nuts.
The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When
she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans
all gathered around to hear the details. She said,
"Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but
he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow
job would be $75, but he did not have that much either.
Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine
said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I
can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting
the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one
hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."
She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,
"Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!
Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to
Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to
Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62,
too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going
on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
again."
Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
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During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her
question:
"Will I be acquitted?"
Okay so I don't have a joke but I want to point out that the one who posted the joke with the pirates obviously doesn't have anyother jokes because she has posted it at least a hundred times and I'm starting to get sick of the joke.