Please send in some interesting and uncommon jokes for me.?!
Question: A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with
the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,
The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."
THE RABBI
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with anunanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers." "I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, And about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Answers: A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with
the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,
The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."
THE RABBI
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with anunanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers." "I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, And about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Vibrators Vs. Men!
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because...
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the ****, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
whats the difference between an onion and a hooker?................ i only cry when i chop up onions
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
this is very cute joke ^^
Q: where do you weigh a whale?
A: a whale weigh station :D
I cant think of any but I just wanted to say that that last one was worth cash!