Has anyone got any good jokes.... best answer goes to the best joke obviously?!
Question: An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but ca rries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there, 'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomized.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that !'
Answers: An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but ca rries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there, 'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomized.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that !'
bloody women
i don't really hate them
um it depends like haha joke or a prank if a prank and someone has direct tv take out there tv card. if its a joke usually sex jokes make people laugh alot
A man went to the doctor, as he thought he had something wrong with him because he couldnt stop singing. The doctor said ''yes im afraid you have the tom jones syndrome'' the man said ''is it rare'' and the doctor said, ''well....it's not unusual!!!!''
lol xxx
I've been banned from B&Q!
The other day I went in and some bloke in orange asked me if I wanted Decking!
So I got the first punch in! :-)
Whats the difference between a bloke and a battery?
A battery has a positive side!
Hillary Clinton was at a debate right... well she was wearing a skirt and people could see up it. She had recently shaven, know what I mean?? During the debate she said "READ MY LIPS, NO MORE BUSH!"
hahaha. i love it.
What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
Explosively Funny
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
Bar Owner
A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Not Fade Away
# Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
# Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
# Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
# Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
# Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
two bats up a tree tony says to al are you thirsty for blood al says yes im gonna look for some so al went off looking for a drink he come back two minutes later with blood dripping off his face down his mouth everywere tony says where the hell did you get all that blood from? al says well you go straight on turn left at that fence right at the gate straight through that garden turn left at the house and can you see that window on the back of that house tony says yes al says well i didnt!
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
2 suicide bombers walk into a pub
boom boom
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.
So there is this doctor that can tell if you going to have a baby boy or a baby girl just by what position you were in during sex.
A red head, brunette, and a blonde girl walk into the doctor's office. Each one of them go to meet him.
The red head tell him that she was on top
he replies that she will have a baby boy
the brunette says that she was on the bottom
he says that she's having a baby girl.
finally the doctor meets with the blonde and she immediately starts crying
The doctor asks "whats wrong"
the blonde responds "im gonna have a puppppy"
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Why did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper!