I've got my heart torn by my sis, know any good jokes to cheer me up?!
Question: i feel like im gonna cry and that no one understands me, HELP me or cheer me up with a joke is even better! thanx! no cuzz words please, i will report you. if you cant think of a joke without cussing then your a loser anyways.
Answers: i feel like im gonna cry and that no one understands me, HELP me or cheer me up with a joke is even better! thanx! no cuzz words please, i will report you. if you cant think of a joke without cussing then your a loser anyways.
a duck walks into a store- asks the clerk 4 some lip gloss
clerk asks: "will that be cash or charge?"
duck says: "Just put it on my bill."
_________________________________
the following is from the 30's classic film "Animal Crackers" featuring the marx brothers:
Groucho Marx says: The other morning i shot an elephant in my pajamas.......How the elephant got in my pajamas Ill never know."
Q. how do you make a tissue dance?
A. put a little boogie in it
hope you feel better!
how do you confuse a blonde?
blue!
(works for almost anyone)
our jokes are probably not going to help much. go on youtube and look for comedy specials by gabriel iglesias and demetri martin.
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent
flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were
talking about all
sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock
market, if they had
laptop computers, and how they made money,
Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just
how do you guys
do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you
do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided
to swap partners
for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off
to a bedroom
where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed
to find that he
had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and
just a quarter
inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to
reach me!"
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his
forehead with his
palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was
impressively long.
"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's
still pretty
narrow."
"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears.
With each pull,
his member grew wider and wider.
"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad,
passionate
love.
The next day, the couples joined their normal partners
and went their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked,
"Well, was it any
good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How
about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a
headache." All night long
she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman. "That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think!
Hope you feel better!
I dont know any good jokes but i hope you start feeling better :]
The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd
If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious.... If not, send it to your parents. They'll think it's funny.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .... Uphill BOTH ways .. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it.
But now that...
I'm over (ahem...waaaaay over) the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy. I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia. And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it.
1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves... In the card catalog.. (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so.)
2. There was no email.. We had to actually write somebody a letter... With a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there.
3. There were no MP3's or Napsters. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up.
4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it.
5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know... You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.
6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. If we were lucky, we had Video Pong and later on the Atari 2600. With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever. And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like LIFE.
7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed.
8. Some of us had no cable...only 3 stations (maybe) that you had to go outside and turn the antennae to be able pick up. Later on, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on.
And there was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying.?. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons.
9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... Imagine that. If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.
10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do..... Hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1960 or 1970 or 1980.
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
a blonde brunet and red head have to go up a stair case of the 100 funniest jokes to get to heaven and they cant laugh or they get cast to hell.. the brunet makes up 5 steps laughs and falls through, the red head gets 10 steps laughs and falls through, then the blonde makes it all the way go says "how did u do that" then she bursts out laughing..god says"whats so funny" she says"i just got thefirst joke"
feel beter soon
O kay so, there was this married couple and the husband forgot their wedding anniversary. He comes home with out a gift and the wife got really upset and said, "Lenny, I had better see something in that driveway by tomorrow morning that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, or don't you dare come home." So, the next morning, she gets up and looks out in the driveway and sees a small box wrapped up all pretty. Being a little confused,she goes out and picks it up and brings it into the house unwraps it only to find
a bathroom scale!
Lenny has been missing since Friday, Please pray for him...
you could use "why didn't the skeleton cross the road?because he did not have any guts" or "why don't you do math in the jungle?because when you add 4 + 4 you get ate" or "what is the first thing a monkey learns at school?his ape-b-c's"
an eighty year old woman was about to get married for the fourth time. the groom was an undertaker. a news reporter was there to do his human interest story. he asked her about her former husbands. she said " when i was in my twenties i married a banker, in my forties i married a circus ring master, in my sixties i married a preacher" then she started to giggle. the reporter asked her what was so funny and she said " well #1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go
I'm sorry. I have no jokes for you.
What happened though? Who upset you?
You can talk to me if you wanna.
(your cous, Jessica!)
(love ya!)
:-)