Tell me some really funny jokes!?!


Question: I'm in a really bad mood now. So I need something to cheer me up. It can be any types of jokes. Dumb blonde, rasiest, children, lesbian, gay, yo mama anything really!


Answers: I'm in a really bad mood now. So I need something to cheer me up. It can be any types of jokes. Dumb blonde, rasiest, children, lesbian, gay, yo mama anything really!

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

good one again dylan.

Dakota was in Kindergarden. he poops his pants. so he takes it out and puts it under the desk he was sitting in. next, he told his teacher that there was peanut butter under the desk. :)
One day, a blonde came into a hardware store with sandpaper around her body and rope around her ankles. the clerk asked her what she was doing. "commiting suicide" she replied. the clerk asked why she wasn't putting it around her neck.
"duh, then i couldn't breathe!"
this blonde's house was on fire in the middle of the night. she went out screaming to a phone. she called 911. she told her problem to the police. the police then asked her where the fire was.
"Try turning the lights on the fire truck. you'll find it easier in the dark"
this brunette and this blonde was being paid to go on a deserted island for two weeks if they only brought one thing.
"What are you bringing?" the blonde asked
"a blanket so we can get warm in the night. what are you bringing?"
the blonde replied "a car door, so we can roll down the window when it gets hot."

a man is walking along the street and he sees a sign in a chemist's window"beutiful blonde fits condoms"so he goes in and sees a girl and says are you the girl that fits the condoms she says yes so he says well wash your hands i want some jelly babies.



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