Tell me somethin funny?!


Question: i need a laugh, say somethin funny please!


Answers: i need a laugh, say somethin funny please!

WHERE WERE YOU AT THE WEDDING YOU F-U-C-K-E-R?!?
AAAAAHHHHHH!!


i love you :)

you just lost 5 points.
I just got 2 points.

Select me as best and you will get 3 points back
and I will get another 10.

Result: You -2, Me +12

I win.

uhm "Debbie R" that's stupid.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”





and another joke:





and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”





more:





A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


another:


Why do ducks have webbed feet? To Stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To Stamp out burning ducks.



and another last joke:



When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for christmas bonuses which they do yearly.

They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him $5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him $6.

They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says "oh yes..come upstairs with me"..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shagging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his 'bonus'. He goes out, tells his mate "go in get your bonus, she'll show you a bloody good time, one hell of a bonus!" He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good ****.

When their finished she says "go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus", off he goes and says to the driver- "driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a christmas bonus" so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she takes reaches for her purse and pulls out $5 and gives it to him. He says "what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!"

She turns round and explains "I had strict instructions from my husband, he said 'give a fiver ($5) to the driver and **** the other two

A man took a vacation to Autralia. When he was there, he got the desire to go scuba diving. He paid for some scuba diving lessons and some scuba gear and a boat. As he was scuba diving about 20 feet deep, he saw another man scuba diving without any scuba gear. He thought how incredible it was that this guy over here could go scuba diving without any scuba gear on. Then he swam down another 25 feet. Once again, he saw the other scuba diver without any scuba gear on. The man then swam down another 20 feet. The guy without any scuba gear on was there again. This time, the man was too curious so he pulled out his chalkboard and wrote, "How can you scuba dive without any scuba gear on?" The guy grabbed the chalkboard and wrote, "I'm drowning, you idiot!"

Italian guy goes into a bar. He tells the bartender he wants a beer and a shot. He does the shot, slams the beer and asks the bartender " who is the baddest mo fo in here. The bartender replies" that woulk be Patrick at the end of the bar." The Italian walks down, pulls Patrick off his stool and beats the crap out of him and throws him out of the bar. The Italian turns to the bartender and and says " I'll be back tomarro". The next day he shows up to the bar and orders a beer and a shot. Does the shot, slams the beer. Again he asks the bartender" Who's the baddest mo fo in here tonight". The bartender replies " that would be Micky at the end of the bar". The Italian walks down to the end of the bar, pulls Micky off his stool and beats the crap out of him and throws him out of the bar. He looks at the bartender and says," I'll be back tomarro". The bartender is pissed. He says to himself, this guy is beating up my best customers, I've got to do something about this. So he borrows a Gorilla from the zoo and puts it in the restroom. Sure enough the Italian shows up that night. He orders a beer and a shot. Again, he does the shot and slams the beer. Asks the bartender"Alright, who is it tonight". The bartender, with a huge smile on his face says"that would be Jerome, but he just went into the bathroom". The Italian says alright and walks into the bathroom. All the bartender hears is smash bang boom crash, the bartender is laughing histarically. The Italian walks out the bathroom face bleeding, spitting teeth out of his mouth barly able to walk. The bartender says to him" Guess I won't be seeing you tomarro" The Italian says " bullshit you won't, you can tell that n!g his fur coat is in the ally"!

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"



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