I want some jokes.?!
Question: Most of the jokes dont get me laughing but some do. I will give ten points to the best answer!
Answers: Most of the jokes dont get me laughing but some do. I will give ten points to the best answer!
Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he likes me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word.
He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job.We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
ok... look in a mirror
this is kinda gross but oh well.
so you know thos icecream bars that are vanilla dipped in harden chocolate.
well its my favorite kind cuz its hard and black on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside.
:)
jake: knock! knock!
ryan: whos there?
jake: intereting cow
ryan: interept....
jake: MOO!!!
Here are some HOMSI who are stupid syrians..but in real life they are actually really smart..but they just have many jokes on them..I LOVE THEM..
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A HOMSI BUSY ALL DAY??
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you make a homsi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: Why did the homsi stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: How do you keep a homsi busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why can't homsis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the homsi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did 18 homsis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
Q: What do you call a homsi in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the homsi take his typewriter to the doctor ??
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Q: A homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
--------------------------------------...
homsi #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
homsi #2: "No, who wrote it?"
What about the homsi wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
--------------------------------------...
homsi: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
homsi: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest
thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get
a different answer."
--------------------------------------...
A homsi was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a
sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
there were 3 girls. one was named rose. she went up t her mum and asked why is my name rose? her mum answered coz when u were born a rose petal fell on ur face
the next girl was called lavender. she asked her mum why she was called lavendar. he mum said coz when u were born a lavendar fell on ur face, the other kid groaned (said errhh) and the mum said shut up fridge.
haha, get it, when she was born a fride fell on her. lol
My fav joke- So these two friends were walking down the street, and they came upon this dog- the dog was going to town on himself-just licking away. Well seeing this the one friend says to the other "man I sure wish I could do that", so the other friend replies " man-- I just dont know that dog looks a little mean --you might wanna go pet him a little first!!! ; )- lol
Yo mama is so fat that when the weather man said it was gonna be chilli outside she grabbed a bib, a bowl, a spoon and some crackers.
What do you call a pool full of black kids?
Cocoa Puffs.
so theres a son a mother and a father, the mother and father are fighting, the dad calls the mom a ***** the dad calls the mom a basterd, the son say whats a ***** and a basterd, they say good people son, good people
so later that night the mother and father were having make up sex, they say "OHH!! your DICK is so hard!" and :your PUSSY is so soft" the son walks in and says whats a dick and a pussy? hats a coats son, hats a coats.
so the next morning the father is in the bathroom shaving, he cuts himself and says "****" the son says, whats ****? the father says shaving cream son, shaving cream,
the son goes to the kitchen
the mother is in there cooking a turkey, she burns herself and says "****" the son says. whats ****, the mother says, cooking a turkey son, cooking a turkey,
ding dong someone is a the door
Come on in all you Bitches and Basterds, put your ***** and Pussys on the coat rack, moms in the kitchen ******* a turkey, and my dad in the bathroom whipping all the **** off his face
A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she says. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” says the woman. “How old are you?”
”Twenty-six.”
The Sad Life of A Penis:
He has a head he can't think with.
He has an eye he can't see out of.
He has to hang around with two nuts all the time.
His neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And everytime he get's excited, he throws up.
But worst of all, his owner beats him.
OK, You asked for it!!
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to KFC!!
Haha,
Your mum is so sad that she gave birth to you!!!
(trust me, they were funny during during 1st grade)