Can you tell me some good jokes? please..xx..??!
Question: I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
>
>
> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
> She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows
> her from.
>
> So he says, "Do you know me?", to which she replies, "I think you're
the father
> of one of my kids."
>
> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his
> wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made
> love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner
> whipped my butt with wet celery???"
>
> She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Answers: I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
>
>
> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
> She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows
> her from.
>
> So he says, "Do you know me?", to which she replies, "I think you're
the father
> of one of my kids."
>
> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his
> wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made
> love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner
> whipped my butt with wet celery???"
>
> She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
What happened to the frog that parked in a no parking zone?
He got TOAD!
A politician once said "Where there is unemployement, there are people without jobs".
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the head. It's ancestors were later known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris doesn't wet the bed, the bed wets itself.
What did 1 peanut say to the other when he cracked his shell? AAAHHHH NUTS!
there were three guys that were in a burning building...the firefighters are holding a blanket for him to jump into. the fireman yells for the first guy to jump. He jumps and when he jumps the firefighters pull the blanket away, he goes splat.
They tell the next guy to jump and he said no, because you will pull the blanket away. The firefighter assured him they would not pull the blanket away. so he jumped, of course they pulled the blanket away again. splat
The last guy said he would not jump unless they laid the blanket down and moved away. so they did and splat
hope you enjoyed it!
What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through a stop sign.
A stoner waits for it to turn green.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Becky. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant, but allowing adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries into the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Becky what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long and less than 3/4 inch in circumference. Pretty cute, really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries. I'm thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to one side as to say, "Don't do it master!" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
&*$@$^#^!!!... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Damian
The only joke i can tell you is the one my 8 year old told me.
What does N.E.S.W. mean?
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. The answer is....
Never Eat Slimy Worms. lol