Any one know any jokes please?!


Question: As long as they are not to crude, thank you


Answers: As long as they are not to crude, thank you

Work fascinates me: I can sit and watch it for hours !

I sat sad and depressed until someone came to me and said - cheer up, things could be worse -- so I cheered up; and sure enough - things got worse!

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall? - Dam!

Did you hear about the man who stayed up all night - studying for a blood test !

SHE: What's the difference between a monkey and a mailbox?
HE: (after thinking awhile) I don't know.
SHE: I'll never send you to mail a letter for me !

What did one Carrot say to the other?
Nothing. Carrots can't talk.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear
and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

whats the difference between a fanny and an oven ??


an oven doesnt fart when you take the meat out

I never get sick of this one.


What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told that ***** twice.

Check out:

http://www.indianchild.com/funny_quotes....

A little girl walks into a pet shop.

"Mither, do you have any bunny wabbits".

The shop keep kneels down to her level and says "Well, yes - do you want a brown bunny wabbit, a white bunny wabbit or a cute and fruffy ginger bunny wabbit".

To which the girl replies
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit".

man goes into a pub and asks for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps
The barman says " sorry mate we dont have any helicopter flavoured crisps"
The man says " Ok I will have plain"

This baby seal walks into a club....................

Miss P, here's one I have posted before. It is not crude and it offends nobody because it does not attack anybody or any group. It was actually voted in some survey or other as being the funniest joke ever! Can't see it myself, but it made me smile and I hope it does the same for you.

A man got up one morning and looked in the mirror. He was shocked to see a small green growth coming out of his left ear. He decided to see his doctor.

The doctor examined the patient's ear and said, "That's unusual. It looks like a lettuce leaf."

"Is it serious?" asked the patient.

The doctor replied, "Well, I'm afraid that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

Then there's one I made up myself. Have you ever met a person who made up a joke, apart from puns? I haven't and do you think my comedy career will be measured in minutes? This borders on the crude - but to obey your request, not too crude.

A pilot and co-pilot were flying their jet plane when the air stewardess came in from the cockpit door.

"Coffee, captain?" she asked.

"Roger that," the captain replied.

The co-pilot got up and immediately obeyed the order.

What have michael jackson and whisky got in common?

They both come in tots.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
********

1)What's a polygon?

a dead parrot

2)what did one tomato say to the other?

you run on i'll ketchup

3)a dyslexic walked into a bra

4)an english man an irish man and a scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says is this some kind of joke?

5)theres two men siting in a bar on the 20th storey of a new york building and one says to the other i bet you £100 i could jump out of that window and walk out of that elevator about 5 minutes later. the other man thinks he is crazy so he makes the bet

the first man gets up and jumps out of the window, five minutes later he walks out of the elevator. the second man is astonished and pays up "how did you do that" he askes amazed

"it's easy have a go" replies the first man

so the second man stands up and jumps out of the window (to his death)

the barman looks at the first man and says
"superman your a bar steward when ur drunk"



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