Any jokes you can tell me?..xx..??!
Question: A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope, only when it's raining!!
Answers: A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope, only when it's raining!!
why did snoop dogg need an umbrella?
fo drizzle haha
Umm.....These two guys walk into a bar....and the third guy ducked?
if girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with only one leg work?
ihop.
hahahha
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead! Ha! O.o
want to know a dirty joke: the boy fell in the mud
You are as cheap as a Walmart special.
That yo momma joke was pretty sweet but not as sweet as your momma.
Those are the only ones I can think of.
A man walks up to the bar, with a big ostrich behind him, and as he stops at the bar, a small cat jumps up onto the bar stool next to him. The barman comes over, regards the three rather curiously,
and asks "What'll it be", to which the man replies "Well, I'll have a pint"
and, turning to the ostrich "what do you want?"
"I'll have a pint as well" replies the ostrich.
The man looks down at the cat and says "I suppose you want a drink too?",
to which the cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't ******' paying!".
The barman pulls two and a half pints and says "That'll be three pounds forty please". To the barman's surprise the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly _3.40 in loose hange, which he puts on the bar. A while later the same thing happens. The man, the ostrich and the small cat come back to the bar.
"I'll have pint" says the man,
"I'll have a pint says the ostrich",
"and I'll have a half, but I ain't ****** paying" says the cat.
"That'll be three pounds forty" says the barman, and again the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels around and pulls out exactly $3.40. This goes on several times, much to the bemusement of the barman.Finally, as last orders are rung, the man the ostrich and the cat come back to the bar.
"Well" says the man "its last orders, I think I'll have a large scotch", and turning to the ostrich "what do you want?"
"I'll have a large scotch as well" replies the ostrich. Turning to the small cat on the stool next to him,
the man says "and I suppose you want something as well?"
"I'll have a small scotch says the cat, but I ain't ******' payin'". The barman rings up the drinks in the till, and says to the man, with a sly grin on his face, "that'll be seven pounds twenty please" To his amazement and disbelief the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels about and pulls out exactly _7.20 in loose change. As the three finish their drinks and are about to leave, the barman cannot contain his curiosity no longer.
"Excuse me sir, but before you leave there is something I must know.....how do you always manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket, every time?"
"Well" says the man, "its a long story, but basically several years ago I looked after an old lady who was well into her nineties, and when she died she left me her old house, nothing special, but when I was clearing out the attic I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"Well that's fantastic" says the barman, "what did you wish for?".
"Well," says the man, "if I ever need to pay for anything I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right money will always be there".
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would just ask for a million pounds or something, but you will always be as rich as you want for as long as you want".
"Oh yes" says the man, "its the greatest thing I ever did. If I want to buy a pint of milk the money will always be there. If I want to buy a Rolls Royce the exact money will be there too!".
As the man turns to go, the barman calls him back and says "one last thing sir, your friends ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here"
to which the man looks glum and replies "well, that was probably the worst thing I ever did ... you see I had two wishes, and on my second wish I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".
You can alter this joke depending on your state, but since I'm a Missouri alum, here goes:
Why do trees in Missouri lean to the west?
-Because Kansas sucks and Illinois blows
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...
Once there was two aliens that they came down to earth looking for jobs. One
of them went to work at a Restaurant and the other went to work at a candy
store. One day as they came down the street, they found a dead man on the
ground. A police man shows up and asks, "How did you kill this man?" One of the
aliens said, with forks and knifes. The police man said you are going to jail.
One of the aliens replied back "goodie gum drops, goodie gum drops."
knock knock
who there
nobody
nodody who?
.......
.......
.......
Chuck norris had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailor tractor and some of his sperm escaped into the engine we now know this truck as optimus prime.
Once upon a time 'Chuck Norris'
My favourite right now.
What's the difference between monogamy and bigamy ?
Answer. None. Both are one wife too many.
Ian M
yea surreee lol ok so there are three guys in a car: Manners
Shut up and Poop. So Shut up is driving Manners is in the passenger seat and Poop-who is weird is on top of the car
Shut up is driving fast he passes a stop sign then a highway patrol car starts driving after him-Shut up stops-Poop flys off the car and into a ditch-the highway partol man aaproachs the car.Highway patrol guy: what is ur name??? Shut up: Shut up
Highway partol:SIR WHAT IS UR NAME????? Shut up:
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Highway partol:SIR WHERE IS UR MANNERS?????Shut up: over there picking up Poop
yea i kno its querky and weird.....whatever enjoy!
there was one three men stuck in a desert they all find a genie lamp. the genie says you all have one wish. before you ask a wish climb over the mountain and jump over the rock. so the first guy climbs over the mountain and jumps over the rock. Then first guy says i want to be the richest man in the world. so he got rich.but he forgot to ask himself to get out of the desert. the second man climbs over the mountain and jumps over the rock and wishes for lots of women. too bad he forgot to wish himself out of the desert. the thid man climbs over the mountain trips over the rock and says poop. and poop appeared all over him.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman ne ver batted an eye. She just looked a! t the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square The president confirmed th at the bet was the same as the! one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop ! his pant s etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'