Tell me a joke please iam having a bad day a depressing life and i just need a j!


Question: When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 u.

Hope those cheer you up a little!!! plus i will give yo a star


Answers: When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 u.

Hope those cheer you up a little!!! plus i will give yo a star

This is a lame joke, but when I was little, it was my #1 joke. For me anyway. lol
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead! hahahaha

Told you it was lame. lol. But, hey, hope my lameness cheered you up.

ok i have a few: sory that theya re long but i think they are funny and hope you enjoy!

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”
“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

Three guys are in a boat and they are stranded in the middle of the ocean. They've been stranded for days with no help in sight. They are hungry and exhausted. Suddenly a genie comes out of no where and says he will grant each man one wish. The first guy says, "Man, I just want to be home again! I want to eat with my family and get out of this boat!" So the man got his wish. The second man said. "OH YES! Me too! I miss my family! I want to be back home!" He also disappears from the boat and goes back home. Then the genie gets to the last man on the boat. The man says, "Wow. It's lonely out here. I sure do miss those guys. I wish they were back on this boat!" Then they appeared right next to him and the genie left.

So a mushroom walks into a bar. He sits down. The bartender say's "sorry, we don't serve your kind". The Mushroom say's, "Why? I'm a Fun-gi".

There were 3 girls. 1 a brunette, 2 a blonde, and 3 a redhead. They were lost in the woods, in the middle of nowhere, and it was raining. They came apon a house. The house was abandoned, so they decided to go in. Inside, they found a magic lamp. When they picked it up, a genie came out. "You each have 1 wish." the genie said.

The first one, the brunette, said, "I wish i was home."
The 2nd one, the redhead, said, "I wish i was home also."
then the 3rd one, the blonde, said, "Now I'm all alone! I wish they were here with me!"



another 1...


There were 3 criminals that were running from the police. They ran across a barn, so they decided to hide there.

The brunette hid with the cows. The redhead hid with the pigs. The Blonde hid behind some potato sacks.

When the police came by, the brunette said "mooo" and the police kept walking on. When they came to the pigs, the redhead said, "oink! oink!" and the police kept walking. When they came to the potato sacks, the blonde said "poootaaatoo"

ok heres 1

2 rats in a swereage farm 1 says to the other im sick n tired of eating crap all day all i do all day is eat crap crap crap and more crap the other rat says dont worry... well be on the piss later

what starts with a "f" and ends with "uck"

FIRETRUCK!

Two men walked into a bar and the other one ducked.

Here are some good books! You oughtta read em!
Yellow River by I P Freely
Brown Stains On The Wall by Hoo Flung Pu
10 Miles To The Outhouse by Kenny Holdit and Willie Makeit
Under The Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Hope ya feel better!

ok...get ready!

if a munchkin says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harrasment?

its pretty dirty i think..

i heard a stupid attempt today:
why are they called women?
b/c the guy who saw her said 'whoa man!'

how lame?!

why don't shrimp share?
cause they're shellfish


what has 4 legs and 1 arm?
a happy pitbull

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”
“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "you were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic."Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped
and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

????????????

u have a depressing life haha



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