Anyone have hot jokes to tell? quickly!!!?!
Question: Anyone have hot jokes to tell!? quickly!!!!?
please tell!!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon!.
He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill!.
He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"
A priest heard him and came out!. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest!. "God hears you!.!.!.He is everywhere!.!.!.He's in the chruch!.!.!.He's on the sidewalk!.!.!.He's everywhere"
Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"
The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the h*** out and start pulling"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Little Johnny likes to gamble!.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city!.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling!."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him!."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it!.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny!."
She says yes I know who you are!.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt!."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet!.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole!.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why!.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost!."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem!."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your a$$ before the day was over!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Dear China,
We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better!. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000!.
We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner!. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan!.!.!.since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's!.
We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia!. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook!. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover!.)
In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident!. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility!. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan!.
Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status!. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity!. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years!. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon!.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States of America
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it!. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories!.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens!. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess!."
"And what's the moral of the story!?" asked the teacher!.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher!. "Now, Lucy!?"
"Our family are farmers too!. But we raise chickens for the meat market!. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks!. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they hatch!."
"That was a fine story Lucy!." "Johnny, do you have a story to share!?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen!. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm; her plane got hit!. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete!. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break; then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story!?"
"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang!. "Hallo! Mr!. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said!. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland!. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army!?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed!. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command!."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back!. "Right Mr!. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy!?" Saddam asked!.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm!."
Once more Saddam sighed!. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke!."
"Really!?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day!. "Right Mr!. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed!. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million!."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day!. "Right Mr!. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war!."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam!. "Why the sudden change of heart!?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Enjoy!Www@Enter-QA@Com
He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill!.
He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"
A priest heard him and came out!. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest!. "God hears you!.!.!.He is everywhere!.!.!.He's in the chruch!.!.!.He's on the sidewalk!.!.!.He's everywhere"
Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"
The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the h*** out and start pulling"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Little Johnny likes to gamble!.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city!.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling!."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him!."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it!.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny!."
She says yes I know who you are!.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt!."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet!.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole!.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why!.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost!."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem!."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your a$$ before the day was over!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Dear China,
We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better!. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000!.
We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner!. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan!.!.!.since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's!.
We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia!. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook!. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover!.)
In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident!. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility!. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan!.
Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status!. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity!. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years!. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon!.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States of America
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it!. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories!.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens!. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess!."
"And what's the moral of the story!?" asked the teacher!.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher!. "Now, Lucy!?"
"Our family are farmers too!. But we raise chickens for the meat market!. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks!. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they hatch!."
"That was a fine story Lucy!." "Johnny, do you have a story to share!?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen!. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm; her plane got hit!. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete!. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break; then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story!?"
"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang!. "Hallo! Mr!. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said!. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland!. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army!?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed!. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command!."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back!. "Right Mr!. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy!?" Saddam asked!.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm!."
Once more Saddam sighed!. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke!."
"Really!?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day!. "Right Mr!. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed!. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million!."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day!. "Right Mr!. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war!."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam!. "Why the sudden change of heart!?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Enjoy!Www@Enter-QA@Com
1!.mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have!? Palm Day!
2!.These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.
3!.They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.
4!.Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one!?
5!.Did you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company!?
They caught her throwing away all the W'S!.
6!.What do you get when you cross a drunk rooster and an owl!?
A stiff c**k that stays up all night!.
7!.What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains!?
If you don't know stay away from my house!
8!.If you had an uncle named Jack and your Uncle Jack was on a horse and couldnt get off,would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse!?
9!.Whats the difference between a young prostitue and an old prostitute!?
The young prostitute uses vaseline and the older prostitute uses polygrip!.
10!.Did you hear about the constipated accountant!?
He couldnt budget!.
11!.Did you hear about the constipated math teacher!?
He had to work it out with a pencil!.
12!.Did you hear about the movie Constipation!?
Thats cuz it hasnt come out yet!
13!.What worse than getting raped by Jack The ripper!?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!.
14!.Whats gray and comes in quarts!?
An elephant!.
15!.How do you get an elephant off the ceiling!?
Jerk it off!.
16!.How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant!?
He forgot to wrap his whopper!.
17!.How did the Dairy Qween get pregnant!?
Big Mac slipped her a quarter pounder!.
18!. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC!?
Because its finger licking good!
19!.What do you do with a years worth of used condoms!?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear!.
20!.What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger
21!.Why are men like cars!?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming!.
22!.What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common!?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!
23!.Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested!?
He was charged with battery!.
24!.Where does the one legged waitress work!?
The Ihop
25!.Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute!?
A rooster says cock-a-doodle and a prostitute says any c**k will do
26!.Why was santa arrested!?
He was caught laying dools under the christmas tree!.
27!.Why didnt santa clause ever have kids/
Cuz he only comes once a year!.
28!.Why don’t little girls fart!? Because they don’t have a**holes until they get married!.
29!.What is the definition of a perfect lover!? A man with a 9 - inch tounge, who can breath through his ears!
30!.What are three, 2 - letter words that mean small!? Is it in!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
2!.These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.
3!.They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.
4!.Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one!?
5!.Did you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company!?
They caught her throwing away all the W'S!.
6!.What do you get when you cross a drunk rooster and an owl!?
A stiff c**k that stays up all night!.
7!.What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains!?
If you don't know stay away from my house!
8!.If you had an uncle named Jack and your Uncle Jack was on a horse and couldnt get off,would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse!?
9!.Whats the difference between a young prostitue and an old prostitute!?
The young prostitute uses vaseline and the older prostitute uses polygrip!.
10!.Did you hear about the constipated accountant!?
He couldnt budget!.
11!.Did you hear about the constipated math teacher!?
He had to work it out with a pencil!.
12!.Did you hear about the movie Constipation!?
Thats cuz it hasnt come out yet!
13!.What worse than getting raped by Jack The ripper!?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!.
14!.Whats gray and comes in quarts!?
An elephant!.
15!.How do you get an elephant off the ceiling!?
Jerk it off!.
16!.How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant!?
He forgot to wrap his whopper!.
17!.How did the Dairy Qween get pregnant!?
Big Mac slipped her a quarter pounder!.
18!. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC!?
Because its finger licking good!
19!.What do you do with a years worth of used condoms!?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear!.
20!.What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger
21!.Why are men like cars!?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming!.
22!.What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common!?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!
23!.Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested!?
He was charged with battery!.
24!.Where does the one legged waitress work!?
The Ihop
25!.Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute!?
A rooster says cock-a-doodle and a prostitute says any c**k will do
26!.Why was santa arrested!?
He was caught laying dools under the christmas tree!.
27!.Why didnt santa clause ever have kids/
Cuz he only comes once a year!.
28!.Why don’t little girls fart!? Because they don’t have a**holes until they get married!.
29!.What is the definition of a perfect lover!? A man with a 9 - inch tounge, who can breath through his ears!
30!.What are three, 2 - letter words that mean small!? Is it in!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
I love Groucho Marx so I'll write down some of his quotes:
* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend!. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read!."
* "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it!."
* "Room service!? Send up a larger room!."
* "I find television very educating!. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend!. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read!."
* "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it!."
* "Room service!? Send up a larger room!."
* "I find television very educating!. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
i found the #2 answer funny but UNTRUE! i didn't die from it!
umm, why didn't the chicken cross the road!? because he wasn't aloud! ahah! OK, so i just maid that up, BUT i couldn't remember one!Www@Enter-QA@Com
umm, why didn't the chicken cross the road!? because he wasn't aloud! ahah! OK, so i just maid that up, BUT i couldn't remember one!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Q-What did the egg say to the boilin water!?
A-Hey hold on a sec-it might take a while to get hard!. I just got laid by this chick!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
A-Hey hold on a sec-it might take a while to get hard!. I just got laid by this chick!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Don't mind me I'm just passing through and i must say well done to JD for such great effort with his jokes!Www@Enter-QA@Com
What do you call a really fat chick with a yeast infection!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
How do you kill a blonde!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
What did the traffic light say to the driver!?
Don't look i'm changeingWww@Enter-QA@Com
Don't look i'm changeingWww@Enter-QA@Com
There was 3 men working at a construction site !.!.!.!.blah!.!.!.blah!.!.!.blah!.!.!. punchline: thats not a sandwich thats my sister!Www@Enter-QA@Com
me!.Www@Enter-QA@Com