What are the best jokes u no????!


Question: What are the best jokes u no!?!?!?!?
Answers:
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a
sentence!.

Molly said!. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the
animals!. It was fascinating!."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate"!.

Sally raised her hand!. She said, "My family went to the Statue of
Liberty
and I was fascinated!."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word
’fascinate!.’"

Johnny raised his hand!. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted
for
his bad language!. She finally decided there was no way he could damage
the
word ’fascinate’, so she called on him!.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are
so
big, she can only fasten eight!."

The teacher fainted!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!!!

The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description!. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk!." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it!?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally!?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally!. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think!." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it!?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy!?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy!. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think!." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny!." "Well Ms!. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny!. "Okay says the teacher!." "What’s round, hard, and has a head!?" replied Little Johnny!. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all!." says the teacher!. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think!."

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day!. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom!. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation!. The correct word you want to use is ’urinate!.’

Please use the word ’urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go!."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You’re an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you’d be a ten!!!"

Multi-Syllabic


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class!. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word!?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word!?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate!."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful!."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a *******!. I'm
talking about a ****!."


Little Johnny is in school one day and the teacher asked him to
use the words "bitter end" in a sentence!.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and said "The dog chased the
cat through the house and it bitter end!."

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."

a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big a$$!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big a$$ didnt it!.!.!.!.!.

A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, big, huge black guy standing next to him!. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7' tall, 350 lbs!., 20" penis, testicles - 3 lbs each, Turner Brown!."

The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor The big guy kneels down and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him!. He asks, "Are you OK!?"

In a weak voice, the little man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me!?

The big guy says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me!. I'm 7' tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each,and my name is Turner Brown!."

The little man said, "Oh thank God! I thought you said TURN AROUND!"

mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have!? Palm Day!





Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one!?


What do you get when you cross a drunk rooster and an owl!?
A stiff c**k that stays up all night!.

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains!?
If you don't know stay away from my house!

If Jack helped you off a horse would you help Jack off the horse!?

Whats the difference between a young prostitue and an old prostitute!?
The young prostitute uses vaseline and the older prostitute uses polygrip!.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant!?
He couldnt budget!.

Did you hear about the constipated math teacher!?
He had to work it out with a pencil!.

Did you hear about the movie Constipation!?
Thats cuz it hasnt come out yet!

What worse than getting raped by Jack The ripper!?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!.

Whats gray and comes in quarts!?
An elephant!.

How do you get an elephant off the ceiling!?
Jerk it off!.

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant!?
He forgot to wrap his whopper!.


How did the Dairy Qween get pregnant!?
Big Mac slipped her a quarter pounder!.

Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC!?
Because its finger licking good!

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms!?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear!.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

Why are men like cars!?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming!.

What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common!?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested!?
He was charged with battery!.

Where does the one legged waitress work!?
The Ihop

Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute!?
A rooster says cock-a-doodle and a prostitute says any c**k will do

Why was santa arrested!?
He was caught laying dools under the christmas tree!.

Why didnt santa clause ever have kids/
Cuz he only comes once a year!.

Why don’t little girls fart!? Because they don’t have a**holes until they get married!.

What is the definition of a perfect lover!? A man with a 9 - inch tounge, who can breath through his ears!

What are three, 2 - letter words that mean small!? Is it in!.





Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane!?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much


These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.



They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.

why cant blondes make kool-aid
they cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packet


Did you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company!?
They caught her throwing away all the W'S!.



Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths!."
Blond: Yeth!. And I'm not even thickteen yet


how did the blonde get square boobs
she forgot to take the kleenix out of the box


so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After to rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggWww@Enter-QA@Com

I like this i posted it a while back ,,what is the moral!.!.!.A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day
A rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long!?"
The crow answered "Sure , why not!."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested!.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it!.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!.
Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull:
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy!."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings!?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients!."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree!. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch!. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree!. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree!.

Moral of the story: Bullschitt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!.
Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter!.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field!. While it was lying there , a cow came by and shat on it!. As the freezing bird lay in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was!. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy!. A passing cat heard him singing and came to investigate!. Following the sound the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!.

Morals of this Story:
1) Not everyone who drops schitt on you is your enemy!.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of schitt is your friend!.
3) And when you're in deep schitt, keep your mouth shut!.
Summary

Yah00 is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up and some merely fooling around!.
- The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces!.
- The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but @rseholes!!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

Theres this magic mirror in a store & everytime you tell a lie to it, it'll suck you in!!! So theres also a blonde, a brunet & a red head!. The red head goes in & says "I think Im the most beautiful girl in the world" & the mirror sucks her in! Then the brunet walks in the bar & says "I think im the most beautiful girl in the world" And the mirror sucks her in! Then the blonde walks in & says "I think!.!.!.!.!. & the mirror sucks her in!!! lol I heard that one from someone on here!!!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

A man walkes into a bar and says Ouch!.!.!.!.LOL!! okay thats not all that Funny!.!.!. It was like a Medal Bar I guess and when you walk right into it, it hurts!.!.

Okay well, there was this Guy and he was just a head!.!.!. I mean he had no body or torso or arms or legs or anything!.!. he was just a head!.!.!.!.okay, so he turns 21 and his father takes him out for a drink cause thats what you do when you turn 21!.!.!. so they Both sat down at the bar and ordered a couple of drinks!.!. The Drank them down!.!.!. So They order a Couple of more drinks!.!.!. They drink those too!.!.!. The head falls down and died!.!.!. The father says to the bar Tender "I dont know what happened, we were drinking and all of a sudden, he just falls down and dies",,, so the bar tender replys "he should have quite when he was ahead"!.!.!.lololololoolWww@Enter-QA@Com

dude the first girl that typed that joke wth was that!?!?!?!? was a joke or an news paper!. u could go to google, yahoo, anything and type jokes and they'll give u :)Www@Enter-QA@Com

I liked all of the jokes on here
sorry I don't have one to shareWww@Enter-QA@Com

go to google or yahoo and search little johnny jokes, some of them are so funnyWww@Enter-QA@Com

Unicorns see no evil!.
ask a question,darling!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

why do Jews have big noses!.!.!.!.because air is free!Www@Enter-QA@Com

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales!.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small!.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale!.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible!.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah!.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell!?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him!.'

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing!.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work!.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was!.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God!.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like!.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute!.'

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds!.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters!?'

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, 'Thou shall not kill!.'

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture!.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'!.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead!.'

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood!. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face!.'

'Yes,' the class said!.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet!?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty!.'

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch!. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples!. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE!. God is watching!.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies!.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want!. God is watching the apples!.'

(7)
so there was this woman in her home taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door, so she put on her towel and answered the door, it was the rich man, he said "bless me, bless me, i just gave money to the poor" so she blessed him, he left, and she got back in the shower!.
about 15 minutes later, she heard another knock on the door, so she put her towel back on and answered it, it was the poor man, he said "bless me, bless me, the rich man just gave me money" so she blessed him and got back in the shower!.
then, about 10 minutes later, there was a third knock on the door, she knew it was the blind man, so she did not bother to put her towel on, so when she answered the door, like she predicted, it was the blind man he said "bless me, bless me, i just got my sight back!"

(8)
A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on!. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation!. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Two asses, they come together!. I come again!. Two asses, they come together again!. I pee twice!. Then I come once more!."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly!. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man!. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi!."Www@Enter-QA@Com

This are the jokes!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink!. He stays like that for half of an hour!.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down!. The poor man starts crying!. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking!. Here, I'll buy you another drink!. I just can't stand to see a man cry!."

"No, it's not that!. This day is the worst of my life!. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office!. My boss, outrageous, fires me!. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen!. The police said that they can do nothing!. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there!. The cab driver just drives away!."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener!. I leave home, and come to this bar!. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!."



and another one!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat!. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him!. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop!.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you!." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God!. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you!."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up!. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says!. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT !.!.!. first you must have sex with me!." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church!. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun!.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"



and!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy!.



Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow!. It was addressed "Dad"!. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home!. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you!.



I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me!. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes!. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together!.



Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it!? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree!?


Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter!. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way!. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too!.


Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want!. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!


Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself!. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren!.


Your loving daughter,
Rosie!.



At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO"!.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS:

Dad, none of the above is true!. I'm over at the neighbour's house!. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer!. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home!.


I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie



another one!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



Somebody asked an African aborigine:
- Are you a cannibal!?
- No, my brother was, but I ate him!.
**************************************!.!.!.
- Huh, look at this guy!.!.!.he is like a pretty girl in gay-club!.
**************************************!.!.!.
Between friends:
Boy: Honey, if I marry you, will your father buy me a new car!?
Girl: Yes!.
Boy: And, honey, if I marry you, will your father buy us a new house!?
Girl: Yes!.
Boy: Now, honey, if I marry you, will your father make me a boss of his firm!?
Girl: Yes!.
Boy: Ooh, honey, cutey-pie, dear, sweaty, will you marry me!?
Girl: No!.
**********



this one also



Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out!. Both were very
faithful and loving wives!. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers!. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery!.


One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them!.!. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them!. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that!. After the girls did their
business, they proceeded to go home!.


The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting
to suspect the worst!.!. My wife came home with no panties!!


'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said!.!.!. 'From all of us at the Fire Station!. We'll
never forget you!.'



here is another one!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards!.He thought to himself "That's wierd" and kept walking!.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's!. He thought to himself "Now that's REALLY wierd!" and kept going!.
THe next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards!.
The man said "I can't take this any more!" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here!?!" the caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing!."



one more!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



A man calls 911 and tells them, "my friend's been shot dead!" what should I do!
The woman on the phone says "Make sure he is dead before you assume that!." "If not do CPR"!.
The man gets off the phone to check his friend, the woman on the phone hears a gun shot!.
The man gets back on the phone and says "okay he's dead now what!?



oh one more



Legal / Logical

After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor!.

"Sir, do you understand anything about this subject!?"

"Of course, otherwise I would not be a professor!"

"Really!? Then allow me to ask you one question!. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly, but if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam!."

"Okay, it's a deal!. What's your question!?"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal!?"

After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an "A!."

Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question!.

The good student answered immediately: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical; your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal - and the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"




another one still!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



There was this alian named me!.All he could was say is me!.He went to a place and they were saying forks and knives forks and knives!.Then when he went out side and this kid said``he stole my lolly pop!``!.Then a bus passed the kids on the bus said``were going on a felid trip were going on a felid trip!.``Then there was a murder and the police said``who killed this guy!?!?``!.the alian said``me``!.and the police man said``how did you kill him!?``the alian said forks and knives and forks and knives!.the police man said``im going to have to arrest you``!.on the way to the car the alian said``were going on a felid trip were going on a felid trip``



a copy of above!?!?!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.



there was an alien on earth, he couldn't speak any human languages!.
he went to a pet store and all the kids were saying "me! me! me! me!"
so he said "me me me me"
he left the pet stopWww@Enter-QA@Com



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