Does anyone know any good jokes? ones that i haven't heard that are G rated?!
Question: Does anyone know any good jokes!? ones that i haven't heard that are G rated!?
I haven't heard a good joke in awhile!. 10 points for the best one!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
Heres my joke I posted
Blonde Joke!?
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch!. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble!. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock!. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale!.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home!."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it!. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less!.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news!. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch!. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home!."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word!."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left!. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word!. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable!.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head!. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'!?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slowWww@Enter-QA@Com
Blonde Joke!?
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch!. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble!. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock!. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale!.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home!."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it!. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less!.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news!. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch!. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home!."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word!."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left!. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word!. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable!.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head!. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'!?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slowWww@Enter-QA@Com
the virgin joke
Body: virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents!. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time!.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms!. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour!.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex!.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack!. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all!.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door!. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated!. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head!.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down!.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy!.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
Body: virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents!. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time!.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms!. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour!.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex!.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack!. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all!.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door!. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated!. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head!.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down!.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy!.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
3 times a virgin!.
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin!. Somebody asked her how that could be possible!.
"Well," she said!. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage!."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day!."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin!. Somebody asked her how that could be possible!.
"Well," she said!. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage!."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day!."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."
An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action!. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off!. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on!. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in!. The old woman stops him and says, "before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina!." The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly ****!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big a$$!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big a$$ didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action!. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off!. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on!. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in!. The old woman stops him and says, "before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina!." The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly ****!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big a$$!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big a$$ didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother!. A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before!. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar!.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel!. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you!."
"Why not!?" asked Billy!.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!."
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE!.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife!.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward!. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax!.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair!?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director!."
George W!. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below!.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water!. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want!.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland!." GWB says, "No problem!. I'll take you there on Air Force One!."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's," GWB says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped!." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel!. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you!."
"Why not!?" asked Billy!.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!."
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE!.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife!.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward!. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax!.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair!?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director!."
George W!. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below!.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water!. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want!.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland!." GWB says, "No problem!. I'll take you there on Air Force One!."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's," GWB says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped!." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
ok so this little girl goes to church with her mom one day the dad is at work and the little girl says to her mom ma i got to go pp and the mom says is that somthing we say in church how about when we have to use the facilities we say we have a secret so then next week there at church again only the mom is not there it its only the dad so the little girl says to her dad i have a secret and the dad says ok tell me in my ear so the little girl says ok and then the little girl got a serious woopen and every thing is told and they live a as the opposite of they lived happily ever affter !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!.!. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Heres a blonde joke, its kind of corny though!. Why was the blonde happy when she finished the puzzle in one year!? Because the box said 2-4 years!. I could tell an hilarious dirty joke but i already have a violation notice!.Www@Enter-QA@Com